Tuesday, September 04, 2007

1 Year, 12 Days

Sweating. That's what I'm doing. Sweating from every pore. Sweat pouring down my face on the bus, in queues at the supermarket, while buying expensive gifts in posh shops. Sweat dripping off my face onto cash desks and into my teacup. It is, bizarrely, amusing. I have also lost 5lbs in a week - probably because of the sweating.

I am now on the 75mg dose of the new tablets and have only had one sleeping tablet thus far and 0 Diazepam. My mood, I think, is slightly more balanced. I wanted balanced, I wasn’t quite expecting low mood balanced, but this I can cope with more that the hysterically upward, then rapidly downward, swinging moods that previously scared me to death. Yes, I still have mood swings, but they are less dramatic even though they do tend to be southbound. I am noting the changes from a distance, hardly daring to think that these tablets might be helping.

I have just finished moving my bed, yet again. I am now underneath the window. One of these days I will stop twirling. Tomorrow my Mama and Papa are coming down from the North to attend my visit to the psychiatrist. They have questions and need guidance. I am slightly concerned about the questions and can understand the quest for guidance. It shall be an interesting meeting.

My sister is here tonight with her boyfriend from the States. He is flying out tomorrow so they are camped out in the lounge. We celebrated her birthday today and of course I could not help thinking about the fact that some ten+ years ago, on this date, I was having an abortion. My mind of late has been filled with thoughts of children and the future, which is probably why today I was furiously pondering the past. It seems crazy to even think about having a future when I am so entrenched in the gloom of the present, not knowing if I will make it. I wonder if I will ever be loved again or ever be a mother. Some days I think maybe – others I almost laugh out loud at the stupidity of any such notion.

It is almost painful to think I could have a 14-year-old son now if I hadn’t had my legs in those stirrups then. I wonder what my life would have been like today if I hadn’t made that decision. I certainly wouldn’t be lying here, in this flat, pondering a childless future.


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