Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Day 349

Sometimes I wonder if it will ever be right again, my life. Sometimes, like tonight, I wonder if I just submit to her world - if I could ever comeout of it. I sat and scratched and scratched my arm until it was red raw. She was here then, and still is now. She is tired and numb and feels nothing about anything. She was here yesterday too when I was buying rubbish bins for the house in an attempt to get things in order. I have the inspection on Friday. I was buying th ebins, and was stood there thinking "what's thepoint?". I don't understand the "point". Sh e is amixture of numbness and rage. Rage against me. Sometimes I think I get in her way, if she had her way - I might belike this all the time. Eyes, dry with tiredness, scared to sleep because she knows another day is ahead of her. She doesn't like waking up sometimes. Sometimes she is excited but too tired to move.

I got a chest of drawers today from a neighbour. I don't knowwhich onegave it to me. It was sitting outside in the close, waiting to go out for the bin men last night, so I stuck a notice on it, asking if I could have it. When I got home after meeting my friend in town for a coffee, it was on my doorstep. Someone had bought it twoflights of stairs up, and left it for me, beside my front door. Now it is in my bedroom, looking at me. Reminding me that there is now another object in my house that is tying me down. It feels like it is strangling me. Laughing that I dare believe that there is a future. My Mum says "what makes you so special that I don't deserve nice things. Everyone deserves to have nice things." Well, I don't think that is quite true.

My arm is throbbing. Saline solution has been applied and sterile dressing. I barricaded the door again. I set a booby trap the other day because I didn't believ the letting agents wouldn't just let thmselves into the flat while I was out. So I set atrap so I wouldknow if they had been here. The trap hadn't moved when I got home, but maybe they put it back, just to catch me out. Ha ha. Maybe they have seen the mess and the piles of paper. Paper, papereverywhere all commanding that I do something with them. Wouldn't that be funny, because when they come round this Friday I shall show them a very tidy house indeed.

My Mum said tonight that she didn't understand why I had gone soflat tonight when I had had a good day. I said I didn't know. She askedme to think about it. This morning she said I shoulkdn't tell the CPN'sor Charlie's that I feelike I have a split personality.n I do though. Not that I have split personality, but like there are two of me. When "she" comes it's no fun. Shemakes things harder. Hard, hard, hard.

The Charlie's are coming tomorrow at 10am. That's early. And now it's nearly 2am. I paid some bills today. £100 worth of bills. Blimey. Gas and leccy, you are not cheap. No, indeed you are not.

"Hello?" It is quite cold, I think I need to put a jumper on. I always get cold when 've self-harmed. Weird isn't it. I think that wa s a rhetorical question.

Ten to two in the morning. I wish it was 9am already.


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