Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Day 334

Monday:

I was summoned by my new CPN today. He was half an hour late for our appointment so I sat alone, scratching and pinching my arms and hands in the new waiting room as buckled patients stumbled past in battered trainers, eating chocolate biscuits.

Our appointment, that was to last one hour, lasted two. I was tired and scared. He got my back up by being medically unprofessional and telling me about all his other “cases”. He seemed unfocussed and put words in my mouth, obviously trying to fill out his blessed forms ASAP. He joked about suicide and self-harming being one and the same thing. He was also an arsehole. Flippancy is not a good trait to exhibit near a suicidal person. Nor is slagging off the patient’s abusive ex partner or father – regardless of what the patient may think of them. Nor is mocking the accent of the patient’s Chinese doctor. He thought it helpful to tell me that my (previously) heavy grass smoking was the reason that I feel this way, while simultaneously telling me about the amount of people that have “made themselves psychotic by smoking weed”. “Why were you on anti psychotics?” followed. And then, “Would you like to tell me about your suicide plans?”. “Not really”, I said, my eyes brimming. He cajoled: “Go on, you know you want to…”

I completely shut down. He looked surprised when I asked what to do when I felt I was a danger to myself.

I came home, shaking, and went straight to bed.

I think he thought I was fine.

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