Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Day 285 (posted Day 286)

How hard is it to see how you are doing when you have no point of reference? When all days bleed in to one, big horrible nightmare that you can't wake up from.

Today I feel like I’m flailing about with no point of origin, nothing to compare how I am doing today as opposed to yesterday. No point of 'normality' opposed to sleeping all day and feeling confused. I did that yesterday too.

So very confused. I’m not sure what day it is today. I didn’t know what day it was yesterday either. Waking up an panicking immediately because you don’t know what day it is, you don’t know what you should be doing that day. I checked the TV guide to see what day it was and got immensely confused by listings. They told me that programmes that I ‘knew’ were on their last/second to last episodes were “first episode”s.

Was I right, or was the TV guide right? Had I imagined all those episodes I had seen, or had I missed the episodes I thought were the last ones? Had I slipped into some alternate universe? Panicking, I called my Mum to ask her if she knew what day it was. My paranoid confusion also asked her to check her TV guide. She looked at the guide on her TV and, as we deduced after many anxious moments, the listings were wrong. “Hey you, TV listings people, please think before making such huge mistakes as there may be others out there like me, who really don’t know where they are or what the date is and look to you for help – misprints therefore are extremely unsettling. Thanks.”

My computer tells me that it is June now. Four days into June in fact. Where the fuck did May go?

I am going crazy and I don’t know what day it is. And I lie. I say I’m fine when I’m not. I have been trapped inside my flat and head for two days unable to get out and no one knew. I spoke to a friend of mine yesterday and I lied all through the conversation. “Yeah, I’m fine” I laughed and joked and cajoled and everything you might expect Roz to do, and then I got off the phone and wanted to die. Not in the “Ooohmygod I’m, like, sooooodepressed” way, but in the honest to God, "I can’t go on like this, I’m going to trail a knife blade up my arms" way. Or swallow some pills. For those, I have fistfuls of.

I have a set of keys that I was supposed to give a friend to be my in case of emergency person, but I daren’t even ask. How do you say to someone, “I know your own life sucks at the moment, but can you take these keys of mine and use them if I call you at midnight, going out of my mind?” Or even: “I really want/ed to kill myself today can you just come over and sit with me?” I’m too embarrassed to ask, I’m too ashamed to have anyone over because then they would see the bags of rubbish festering in the kitchen, the line of grease coagulating round the bowl in the sink that is filled with unwashed dishes; the chip wrappers going stale in the lounge; the closed blinds, the weird smell of depression and the clothes strewn everywhere.

I am ashamed that at 30 years old, I cannot cope. I can’t keep on top of things and get myself out of this mire.

"Dear Friends, I am not coping. I am on my own in this shit filled existence and I lie to you all the time. I want to die, every day and every day I pretend that everything is fine. It isn’t."

I am supposed to get my hair cut today, in three hours time. How the hell am I going to do that? Probably, I will swallow some pills, get dressed, paint out the grey under my eyes and cover the bleached out pallor of my cheeks with a healthy glow and head outside.

A word to the wise: We, when swimming in our own shit, will lie and cover up until we can cover up no more. So, if you ask me today how I am, know that this morning I was thinking how I could kill myself and that the smiling face in front of you holds a thousand secrets. I am adept at lying to you and I am ashamed of myself because I don’t know how I got here, and I don’t know how to get out.

But, you probably won’t call or check in – why would you? You think everything is fine, because I told you it was.

I need to close my eyes now. That is what I do when it all gets too confusing. And rock myself to sleep.


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