Sunday, April 22, 2007

Day 240 - Friday 20th April 2007

I used to have this doll. She had a rather over sized head that was attached to her body by a long thread. The thread was wound up tight inside her keeping her head and body together, when you pulled them apart she said “Uh! I lost my head for a moment” and “Oooh, there goes my body”. Her voice was strangulated and bizarrely American so “body” sounds more like “b-a-a-w-d-e-e-e”. I have no idea where we got her from; I have however, over the past few weeks, wondered what ever happened to her as I similarly wonder the same about myself.

I may feel like I am invisible at the moment, but today, just call me Penelope.

That is what I told a toothless man on the number 5 bus today on my way back from counselling with my therapist at the Mental Centre. He interrupted my private crying session, asking my name, where I was going, what I was going to do when I got there. Yeah, I was on a bus and therefore fair game with an empty seat beside me, but I just wanted to cry and not be interrupted by a lonely soul looking for a new friend. He obviously didn’t see the tears sliding down my face or maybe his “social inadequacies” forgave him the right to care? So, I became Penelope - more Keith less Cruz, at his suggestion.

It is on days like today, when the chips are farther down than the stupid proverb itself, that I feel I have the “right” to feel shitty and the right not to talk when someone else wants me to.

I moved, um, I don’t know how long ago now and I guess I am settling into something, be it the new house or the new way of life – I’m not sure. It’s grim at times. Like when I have to go to horrific Job Centres where you are lined up like offensive crims, ignored and generally treated like shit. Other times I can find small pleasures in getting 2 meters of oilcloth for my kitchen table from John Lewis. I love john Lewis – especially the convenience of their lavatories.

I’m struggling with writing today, as you can probably tell with this disjointed melange – but as the pressure to write again has been on my mind a lot over the past few weeks – I think it’s high time to break me old procrastination cherry (and not for the first time).

Having some down time, being without internet connection is a pitiful excuse for lack of blogging and I have been feeling guilty about that – what with all this Why-fi, thread less, cordless, open-up-your-laptop-in-a-park internet connection - not having home internet connection is a poor excuse (but one I like to use frequently). I have a responsibility to myself and to her (the naggy blog) to keep up, but it’s hard to allow yourself to indulge in the things you love to do when you feel shite.

I assume that people must think that when you are home all day you must spend hours doing things you like doing, but nothing could be further from the truth – as far as I am concerned anyway. I get so broiled up in trying to un pack boxes and straighten things out, trying to make things look the part, make me look the part, for all to see (I have visitors now you know). No time to sit down and breathe - no time to take the time to have five minutes to sort things out in my head. No, no. No, there isn’t. Hush now. God, it’s all so noisy.

Oh the tears, how they do slide down my face today.

Now, that’s a start isn’t it? Do you know there has actually been dust flying out of my keyboard throughout this little bonding session of ours? Probably because all this baby has been used for over the past week or so, is watching DVD’s to aid sleep. Right then, back to work.

[Posted from my long standing friend, and new neighbour's kitchen before a trip to Ikea - 22/04/07.)

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