Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Day 203

The Past Week: Part 1

I’ve been hiding a bit since Friday. Well, hiding doesn’t seem to cover it really - more like trying desperately to avoid writing and snippets of my mind numbingly awkward counselling session last Friday. Therefore I have been underneath my duvet, weeping, swallowing Diazepam and scribbling furiously on paper, so as not to scratch my arms. The latter being a rather large triumph.

Wednesday (last week) I saw my NHS counsellor (at the MHC) and we FINALLY got somewhere. Bravo. I have been banging on and on about my need to understand “why” I got to this point in my life – was it inevitable considering family history, was it chemical or trauma based? I am also desperate to know what the counsellors and doctors think of my condition. I need proof that ‘this’ all isn’t just fiction. What do they think is wrong, why do they think I got here?

It is all very well to get a diagnosis of severe depression, anxiety and adjustment disorder, but…"WHY?" What tips one over the edge, what boxes do you have to tick on the multiple choice, Depression Diagnosis Test to be considered severely depressed?

So, after re-iterating this for the um, thousandth time she finally heard me and together, we are going to get something down on paper, something in black and white; something tangible that I can see and understand. This proposed attack takes the form of the illustrious spider diagram. My fate shall be outlined in all its connective, circular glory.

Last Thursday night, inspired by the fact that I didn’t want to go to my Friday counsellor the next day and not knowing what to talk about if I did manage to go (the onus is on me remember – Person Centred Counselling) so, I meditated. People (friends, family and counsellors alike) for a long time, have been suggesting this might help. So I gave it a shot. I grabbed a pencil and paper and scribbled down all that came to me – with my eyes closed.

I scribbled down words and phrases such as: “Active relaxing”. “Active thinking.” I use the word “active” to clarify the opposition to “relaxing” by staring into space, contemplating death. Relaxing, I have learned in recent days, is an act that requires mindfulness. Lying around the house in ones chocolate stained nightgown, without having washed for several days, does not in fact, pertain to being “relaxed”. Thinking also requires some thought and indeed consideration (who knew?). One can either let their mind wander into the murky depths of despair and pretend that one is thinking, or one can actually engage the brain, common sense and methods of practical problem solving. (These tenacious little light bulbs above my head are beginning to piss me off. Slightly.)

Things became really interesting when I started work on my spider diagram (the same night). The majority of circles and connecting blame-filled wagging fingers - all pointed to themes of self-hatred. Utter belief that I deserved all that happened to me because of the way I behaved as a child. I believe that I started a self-fulfilling prophecy by lying when I was a child. I had spent all this time desperately trying to get away from the past and there it was, staring smugly at me as the biggest thing that had led me to this point.

In recent weeks I had started to lose faith in all my therapy – nothing was changing. I’d talked about the past, I’d asked for forgiveness from my Mother. I’d apologised and repented; yet nothing had changed. Maybe this was why…my determined belief that I deserved all of this - if I suffer, I am repenting. I deserve it.

So I went to my Friday Counsellor begrudgingly and we talked about my spider diagram. Then that little can of worms that I had, to date, merely punctured a few holes in flew wide open; worms guts and everything, all over the place. My Friday Counsellor and I realised that it didn’t matter if everyone else had forgiven me - I had to let myself off the hook for anything to change. “Fat chance of that” and then almost simultaneously – “How the hell do I do that then?” So, reluctantly (Ms Friday doesn’t like therapeutic stereotypes) she asked if it would be helpful for me to “get to know me as a child?”.

Squirming on both parts followed.

1 Comments:

Blogger MasterQ said...

Thank you, this was very enlightening.

9:22 pm  

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