Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Day 187 - yesterday

Some days I think it would be better just to sleep right through until the next day and try again. Some days I wake up and know it's going to be bad, like today, and try to get back to sleep in the hope that I will wake again in a few hours to a better part of the same day. Or at least with less hours to go before I can knock myself out again.

I self harmed really badly today (10.45pm). No dressings I have will cover my now raw and weeping forearm – it’s too large an area. I'm scared this one will get infected. I'm scared about that.

I have an appointment with my CPN tomorrow to discuss my medication, but what I really need is help with my self-harming. I have never felt so angry when I have scratched before. I was blind with anger and rage and so desperate to get it out so I could look at it. And now here it is, furiously red, raw and disgusting, just like I wanted, looking back at me.

I'm scared I have just scarred myself for life. Maybe this one is too big that it will never fade, like I always hoped the rest would.

All I can think of is my wedding day and having to wear long sleeves to hide the scars. How weird is that when there is no wedding, or no groom? Why would that be the only day that this would matter? Is that because I still believe that my life will begin when I find a husband?

Fuck, I though I’d moved on from that.

I could always wear those long gloves ladies wear to balls. I could cut the fingers off to get a ring on. See, still thinking about a bloody phantom wedding. That should be the least of my worries.

Maybe I should try to get some sleep. "Why am I so goddamn obsessed with weddings?"

"Will you marry me?"


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