Sunday, February 25, 2007

Day 186

It's funny how one minute you can be feeling so positive and so sorted, the next you're on the (proverbial) floor, shaking and wobbling and feeling unconfident and a fraud; a fraud at being the confident one, daring to think that you are OK.

Silly, silly, me.

I had an OK day (few hours) today, apart from sleeping in late; it was after noon when I finally woke. I took a sleeping tablet last night when I knew I wasn't going to be able to get to sleep. I started going a bit funny in the head about 10.30ish or thereabouts. I was getting a bit emotional, just like I am now. I missed my mum and just wanted to cry. And then I started writing down a list of attributes the partner I would like to have would possess (I was trying to think positively – looking forward – see, trying). It was three sides of A4 long. Funny though, when you write things like:

“He will want to enjoy and share his life with me.”

“He will never scare me or call me names.”

“He will enjoy spending time with me. And sharing experiences with me.”

“He will be gentle, loving, honest, trustworthy and monogamous. He will never lie or cheat.”

…Well, not really funny, just sad. I doubt there is anyone out there, three sides of A4 loveliness long.

So, back to the wobble of this evening: After a few hours in town visiting my favourite shop Habitat, dreaming what my new home (positive affirmations and thinking) will look like, and having a coffee with my friend, I decided to tackle the problems I was having with my sister by writing her a letter. An email actually, asking for her support. Now I am freaking out that I will have upset her by saying how I feel:

“Hey ----

Just wanted to send a quick email, as I have obviously been a bit quiet since you were here and I wanted to tell you why. I'm not sure we can speak over the phone about this subject without getting into another argument, so felt I would rather write it down.

I keep getting real shocks when we end up having arguments about my depression and how you feel I am handling my recovery. I am still reeling from the talk we had at Christmas and after my reaction to our last "discussion" (I self harmed on the bus and arrived at counselling in a hysterical state) it all needs to stop. I am not strong enough at the moment to deal with such negative outbursts.

You are really aggressive when you speak to me about this and the words you use are less than pleasant and I just end up feeling attacked. As my sister I find it really difficult that you feel that you can speak to me like this - especially when you know what the likely outcome will be (me getting uncontrollably upset and usually hurting myself). I know, (well I don't actually) but I hope that where all this comes from is a place of care and concern for my safety/sanity, but it doesn't seem that way and that is really hard.

I know I blurted out something about your relationship with ------- at the end of our conversation, and I apologise for that. It is really hard to have someone yelling at you about how lazy and crap you are at handling a situation, not to lash out in return.

I find it difficult to tell you to stop when you are on a roll like you have been twice now, but I am asking you now. Please stop judging me and telling me how bad you think I am doing. It is too difficult for me to cope with and you just exacerbate the negative feelings I already have about myself.

I want us to have a good relationship and for us to be good friends as well as sisters, but you can make this really hard sometimes. I don't feel like you are on my side and you are really good at making me feel guilty about what I am doing, how I am handling things and for the help I get from --- and -----.

You are my sister and I love you, but I need you to be more sensitive. I also need your support. I think I fuck up every day and am literally trying to keep breathing. It's too difficult to keep hanging on in there when you feel your own family is against you.

Thank you for taking the time to read this - if you got this far! “

Now I think I shall go and vomit with fear. And then take a sleeping tablet.

P.S. Note to self: Remember to take off mascara before getting leaky eyes because when the mascara gets in there, it stings like fuck.

Oh, and I ate three dried apricots today. And they didn't make me feel sick. Although the salad I just ate, did.

Black, yellow, black. My therapist would probably give me a round of applause for telling someone how I feel about something they have done and asking them to stop it. But I feel shitty about it, so - black.

I think I've forgotten some Birthday's.

1 Comments:

Blogger MasterQ said...

When one of my friends overreacted over a misunderstanding, my therapist said the only thing I could do was tell them my side and the rest is up to them. I realize it's harder with family but you've told her how you feel, which is good, but it won't help you to work yourself into a frenzy about her response, if it'll be positive or negative. It'll be whatever it will be. Just hang onto the knowledge that you've done your part.

2:54 am  

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