Saturday, February 24, 2007

Day 185

I'm sitting here crying because I am scared. I am scred that i have to move, I am scared that i don't know what I'm doing. I'm scared of moving forward and i'm scared of fucking up - all over again.

The stupid owner of a flat I have been trying to rent has been deliberating for the past 24 hours - well more than that actually - deliberating if I am a suitable tennant to live in his property. He wanted my rent to come out of my step fathers account each month because he doesn't trust that I will pay the rent. That was the only way that he would accept me living there. My responsibility is to pay my rent to my landlord when I get it from housing, that's the deal.

Again, I am a faceless recipient of benefit that cannot be trusted.

I have been sitting on the fact that my mum and I went to see this flat on Wednesday because I didn't want to jinx it. i didn't want to talk about it incase i made it go away by daring to think i could have something i wanted. Mind you, at this moment in time I couldn't give a shit if i get it or not.

Sure, it's only a flat and there will be others, but when you can only deal with two agencies in the whole of the city - because no-one else accepts people on Housing Benefit as tennants it gets pretty limited. And like i said before I don't want to live where people get stabbed for looking at the wrong person on the street.

I should never have given up on London. i should never have given up on my job or my friends. i should have fought harder to keep going, because my friend, i tell you; this being sick thing blows.


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