Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Day 173

I got up early after about 3 hours sleep.

I managed to eat some breakfast and afterwards I fell asleep while waiting for a delivery, waking again at noon.

I ate lunch at lunchtime, a first in almost a year. I had to force myself to eat (salad).

I went to the library, avoided fines, went to the coffee shop and then picked up a couple of DVD's. I walked the long way round in a vain attempt to cover some distance today at least.

I watched a DVD then started to clean up the flat. My sister is flying in tomorrow morning and coming straight here from the airport.

I started panicking around 4pm. I swallowed some diazepam, and tried to fend off the impending doom that promised to bulldoze any form of productivity.

So, I cleaned and cried.

Tonight I spoke to my mum, more honestly than I have done in weeks. I have been trying to 'cope' on my own for the last few months, but this move, this massive interruption to my (relative) comfort zone has thrown me. Completely. I was trying so hard not to bother her, I wanted to be able to sort this out by myself. But I am so scared. I want to pound my head to shake the shit loose. I want the dark thoughts to go away and I want my life back. I feel utterly lost; no, more than that, I feel like I am in a perpetual nightmare and can't wake up. Or living in a virtual coma where I can't speak or make sense of anything and I can't tell anyone what I need, because I don't know what that is. Where only my eyes work and they are moving wildly around inside their frozen sockets, trying to make someone notice. Trying to tell them that there is still someone in here, even though I don't know who she is. I am trapped. Maybe my eyes are closed after all?

I. Who is I?

Today was black.


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