Monday, January 15, 2007

Day 148

It is amazing, I think, how quickly one can become indifferent and estranged from the (cold hard) reality of life. I live within four walls and I am safe here. I rarely go outside, I blank calls, I don't watch the news. You can actually and simply let go and vanish - if you so desire.

The problem with disappearing is that people will let you. It is not up to those around you to sustain your life because that, my friend, is entirely and solely dependant on you. When you decide that you don't have the energy to carry on, there is no-one there to work your life for you. There is no one there to keep everything together. Sure, you have your supporters, but actually if you choose not to play the obligatory game, and not to roll that dice - you just start to fade and nobody notices.

Some people think that life is just something that happens to them. That they are without control. Some people believe life is about fate: that there is some pre-determined destiny awaiting us all. Others rely on their chosen God, their bible and prayers to keep them walking along.

What do I believe?

Once, maybe momentarily, I believed in fate. I believed I wasn't in the right life and after ignoring all the warnings that my own body gave me, the universe decided to kick me out on my sorry ass for not paying attention. I believed that it did that so I could find a new way to be. A true and honest way to live. How poetic (pathetic) - right? If the latter is so, then no wonder I am having readjustment problems. Unlike the ones my shrink diagnosed, these demons are fighting the move into the right lane.

How do you know what lane to go in - do you opt for the inside lane and go so slowly you piss everyone off enough to be constantly overtaken and passed by? Do you stay in the middle lane , committing to neither one nor the other; sitting on that freshly painted, white, picket fence with a "don't rock the boat" mentality shoved right up your arse? Maybe you speed along in the fast lane and fly through life so tightly that everything whizzes by in a crazy blur of adrenalin? Maybe, just maybe, this world of mine has been made up of too many absolutes in the past, maybe the trick is to learn how to lane-hop as any sane driver would during a long journey?

It's a shame really, that I'm running on empty. There was once so much potential - or was there?

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