Sunday, January 07, 2007

Day 140

Fell asleep on the couch last night after taking a sleeping tablet and staying up until it kicked in. I woke up at 7am having dropped my laptop - which was last seen, perched precariously on my lap before my eyes slammed shut about 4 hours previously - on the floor.

This is my new angle: instead on lying in bed for hours waiting for sleep to come, staring at my cobwebby and cracked ceiling, I sit up and watch snippets of DVD's until I get the chemical kick in the back of my throat - then I wobble through to my bedroom. Which can be amusing at times, especially when you try to stand up and find you have no legs.

But last night, as happened the other night, I just couldn't find the willpower to move off the couch and go to bed. I also didn't want to go to bed. I didn't want to go to bed because I didn't want to wake up and for it to be another day. But, damn that happened, as it eerily seems to do every day...I did go to bed with my clothes on however, which seemed to soften the blow somewhat (?)

All week I have been forcing myself to go out of the house. Mainly because I am hating the house again. Well, not the house per se, just all the things in it. I'm having the "I don't deserve nice things" thing again. So have been sabotaging/avoiding the house all week. Now, on this bleak, drizzly Sunday, when everyone else is doing his or her own thing. I am forcing, and I do literally mean forcing, myself to stay in here and clean and tidy. It hasn't been so pleasant so far as I am in panic attack mode. But then again, I've been in panic attack mode all week and I'm still going - so...

So far I have washed two bowls of dishes (doing so caused the scabs on my hands to stick to the inside of my rubber gloves and pulled them off and made them sticky, which was gross) and I am on my second round of laundry. I have also stripped the bed sheets and taken out the recycling/rubbish. Oh, and said "Happy New Year" to my strange neighbour who was busily setting off his own house alarm.

My, my, it's all fun and games round here today. I am anticipating the highlight of the day to be a dinner of fine dining on a small tub of M&S potato salad, as that is all I have in the fridge to eat. Unless of course you count the bottle of maple syrup or squished (and probably out of date) tube of tomato puree.


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