Saturday, January 06, 2007

Day 139

I am...nothing. Not that I am a 'nobody' - just that I can't feel anything, and even if I could, I wouldn't be able to find the words to express it.

I can't think straight at the moment. Before Christmas - posting every day, literally kept me going and that is why I am writing right now. For no other reason.

I can't think of anything interesting, or funny, or clever for that matter, to say. Just tippety-tapping away on my keyboard. I've been here before. The road more frequently travelled.

I was trying to explain to someone tonight why I couldn't "just change my situation" as he helpfully recommended I do. Where does one even start with a question like that?

I am feeling extremely lonely and isolated. I am amongst friends, but I am so freakin' lonely it's not even funny anymore. I just want someone to...well, see me. Someone to hold my hand and say "I'm here for you. I don't care that you're messed up and broken - I'll take you any way I can." I am tired of doing this on my own. I want someone else - not family or friends - just someone else to take up the slack and hold tightly for me. To me.

My arms and hands are still recovering from Christmases smackdown and yesterday morning, before meeting with friends from London - I scratched again, both hands. Funny really as I was just pondering the concept of writing a contract with myself, not to self-harm in 2007 and publish that right here on my bloggy-blog for all to see. Something notarised simply by publication. Something for me to be responsible to.

Goddamit. Somebody find a flipping white horse and come and get me out of here. Now please? I don't want to be big and brave anymore. I just want to be rescued.

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