Friday, December 29, 2006

Day 131 and the 11 previous days - part 3

Day 122:

Email to friend in London:

"Things have been getting slowly worse for the last few weeks. Mainly because I have been here for weeks now on my own and really pushing myself to do a lot. I haven't slept for more than 3 hours each night and am exhausted.

There has been a lot of shit going down with all the benefit stuff and money and the bank fucking up and me feeling all out of my depth to deal with it all. This weekend I had the small task of picking some things that I wanted for xmas from my family and I couldn't do it. I have been trying for the last week to pick these things up and I can't do it because I don't feel I deserve to have presents, because I am a horrid person. This culminated in a big bout of self harming and sever panic attacks from Sunday night. I am really struggling with the whole self worth thing at the moment and honestly wish I could just vanish. I don't feel I deserve to be alive. I don't feel I deserve to have my nice flat, nice things or my loving family and friends.

Earlier in the year I had convinced myself I would be all better by Christmas and now Christmas is here I am suddenly struck with the thought that I'm not better and still have some way to go. This has been really, really hard to deal with.

When I got ------ email about the party I had been spending a lot of time looking over the ------- website and the ---- site. I was looking at the pictures of you all and having fun and wanted to be part of all of that, so jumped at the chance of coming down.

At the moment I am terrified of getting on the train because I will be traveling alone and am terrified something happens like I panic when I am on the train and I am stuck on it for nearly 6 hours both ways. To date I haven't managed to do a train ride of more than an hour.

A big part of me wants to come down and just hang out like I had planned from the start, but because I am tired and have all this external shit going on it's a constant battle. I am so frustrated with myself because it feels like such a simple task is being turned into a major drama.

I know a lot of this is a mind over matter thing, but the small glimpses of this reality are few and far between. A lot of the time I can be fine and then my body takes over and seems to take matters into it's own hands. The voices in my head start screaming in my ears that I am shit and that I shouldn't/can't do things. Today when I was in town I was convinced I had been shoplifting because I was so out of it. I hadn't - just my head playing tricks on me.

Part of me doesn't want to come because I think I am so miserable I don't want to spoil your xmas party. I feel as though I should just take a step back until I feel a bit more 'normal' before exposing you lot to the Rozza.

Anyway - I'm not even sure why I'm writing this - maybe I just needed to tell someone.

At the moment I am trying to get the house sorted and pack a few things so if I can get on the train tomorrow I will.

And now I just want to appologise profusely for writing this, and hope you don't think I'm a pathetic looser.

When will it all stop?"

Her reply:

"Don't worry about not coming down, it sounds like its too much for now. I understand that you thought Christmas would be all better and the thought of coming down was exciting, but the reality of all that is far greater. Stop wrestling with yourself about it, decide not to come. The time will come when you can do it, but I don't think its tomorrow.

This is all very heavy stuff and I don't feel very equipped to being to unravel it. To say - no, you are not shit and you do deserve nice things and nice people - is trite. The rational you knows this, but the rational you is not the problem here.

In your heart of hearts what do you feel is at the root of all this and what is the thing that can start to shift you forward?

I know that is a huge question, but most huge questions have actually quite straight forward answers. Does it all relate back to your dad? (who I presume you have not seen for months now).

I have no idea when you will "get better". At this point it is useless and unhelpful to guess. You must not impose any more. They only lead to disappointment and setbacks. It is entirely possible that you will, to one extent or another, always be "like this". The hope is that if this is the case, it becomes at least manageable more of the time. I don't know of other such case studies, do you? Might be useful to read some case studies of similar break-downs.

It's a shame though that you can't come, we would all have been delighted to see you. But there would be some expectation of normality from you, it IS as you say a Christmas party.

I will say one thing – please please DO NOT harm yourself beyond repair. Please do not let the thoughts that you are worthless take over the rational head that knows you are very much worthwhile. I am asking you this even, not just saying.

I have known people take their lives, no-one close to me, but it is nevertheless shattering. and usually a total waste.

please don't."

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