Thursday, December 14, 2006

Day 115

Even though it is now Day 116 (technically) because it is after three am on Thursday morning - but hey, who's counting? Oh yes, I am...

Tonight I made Christmas cards. I have never felt less like making Christmas cards than I do now, but I think I got it nailed. It is the least Christmassy Christmas card I have ever seen, but that is very good in my eyes. Especially the cynical, misery filled, depression focused eyes that I am currently looking out of. I forgot to mention 'puffy'. They are 'puffy' too, from the days of weeping.

I am however making strides. I no longer dream that I am carrying the bastard offspring of the 'ex, ex'. My mind has mellowed somewhat on that front. (Let's hope it stays that way.) I also washed the bedsheets about an hour ago and put on freshly laundered ones so I can no longer pretend that the dent in the pillow is him, and that my sheets smell of him, because they didn't.

Yes, great strides.

I was even feeling quite charitable toward him this evening and thought I might send him one of my fabulous, hand made Christmas cards. Damn that spirit of Christmas, he gets everywhere.

I had lunch with my amazing best friend today, she is a little cross with the afore mentioned 'ex, ex' for taking advantage of me in my current mental state. I just think I should have been strong enough to tell him to piss off the first time he phoned. And yes, it's all my fault. I am the crazy psycho woman that likes to be trampled over when I am down. Bring me some birch twigs?

I took my sleeping tablet over 3 hours ago and I'm still not asleep. Not a good sign. And, as it happens all the time now, I may be on the verge of upping the Sertraline. Must book appointment with GP before Christmas because I am running out of everything.

I considered going to my Mum's early, earlier today and blowing off my trip to London town, just because I am in full misery. But I have so much to do before the holiday's that I think it best I stay here and try to tackle the enormous 'To Do List' (the list that keeps growing). The list with no end. Goddamit. Fighting with the bloody bank is still on the bloody list. I was also granted Income Support earlier this week. I was very surprised.

Right, time to watch more Gilmore Girls under crispy clean sheets in the hope that I get to sleep, soon.


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