Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Day 114

An email from my friend, received after I told her the ex, ex wanted to meet up...

"shit. my gut reaction is stay the hell away.

you are fragile. he has a history of doing this. he's erratic. he's been dumped and he comes running to you. now you know i like ----, but he's got issues. and you have too many issues of your own to deal with his too. you are not strong enough for this kind of drama. and i don't think ---- is capable of being the man you need him to be. sadly. i think he could be if he actually faced up to himself, but the last few years have not shown him to have changed. it's unfortunate.

but i could well be wrong and talking bollo.

when people are in rehab they are advised to stay out of relationships for a year after treatment. i think the same rule can apply to you right now. if ---- does love you still, properly, and wants you, he can wait and he can prove himself over time. i strongly advise against you jumping in here to meet him and embarking on some rollercoaster that will probably lead to more disappointment. you can call the shots.

short n sweet. but its up to you of course. that's just my humble opinion. and i repeat - i like ---- a lot. this is not said in damnation of him."

Wow, and I chose to ignore it - the good solid advice that if followed, would have prevented this chaos. Maybe I knew this would happen. Maybe I wanted my heart to fall out all over again? Maybe I just wanted him to be here, anyway I could have him.

I caught myself wishing that I was pregnant with his baby today. It was a serene moment. I truly, truly wished it. If I heard anyone else say that I would think "ah, the entrapment angle" and think I was a psycho. But, in all honesty it didn't feel like that - or maybe I did? Oh who the fuck knows? I know I feel jealous, serious "that should have been me", jealousy, that I should have been the one having a child with him, not her.

What does one do with that little nugget of information? Suggest he run in the opposite direction perhaps? Oh, he already did that - so at least that's covered.

I'm not sure that this is normal. Christ, what would be a 'normal' reaction to all of this?

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