Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Day 111.2, 112, 112.1 & 113

An addendum to Day 111 - so Day 111.2, I guess:

9 hours: one unspeakably amazing kiss and a night of talking and other things. Living one whole relationship in a night, being right back there, the way we were, the most amazing, heart stopping connection - and then he was gone.


Followed by: Day 112 (Sunday)

Two hours sleep, woken up by an "Oh shit" coming from the person lying next to me. One morning of putting me in a manageable "box", a multitude of rules, definitions, tea, jaffa cakes and a few tears - and then he was gone with an agreement to return, and a phone call that night.


Day 112.1 (Sunday)

One complete breakdown, one huge realisation that I couldn't abide by his rules of contract, that I was still in love with him - that I wanted more - followed by one completely hysterical phone conversation and a multitude of drugs. I thought I would die of pain. Quite seriously. That "can of worms" my star sign spoke of and all those emotions I have fled so far from for over two years - they all came out in one earth shattering moment and I thought I was going to die. I crawled into the outline his body had made in my bed and wished I would never wake up - he was gone and wasn't coming back. I took a photograph of the indentation his head made on my pillow and one of my bloodshot, tear stained face - beg the day that I ever forget how much I lost and how much it hurt.


Day 113 (Monday)

One shoulder to cry on, one emergency counselling appointment, one ex, ex boyfriend, so freaked out by my behaviour who called with a complete rescission of contract. One equivalent of the Berlin wall, smack down the middle of "us", rebuilt in seconds. There was no us, there never was, I was living in fantasy land.


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