Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Day 111.2, 112, 112.1 & 113

An addendum to Day 111 - so Day 111.2, I guess:

9 hours: one unspeakably amazing kiss and a night of talking and other things. Living one whole relationship in a night, being right back there, the way we were, the most amazing, heart stopping connection - and then he was gone.

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Followed by: Day 112 (Sunday)

Two hours sleep, woken up by an "Oh shit" coming from the person lying next to me. One morning of putting me in a manageable "box", a multitude of rules, definitions, tea, jaffa cakes and a few tears - and then he was gone with an agreement to return, and a phone call that night.

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Day 112.1 (Sunday)

One complete breakdown, one huge realisation that I couldn't abide by his rules of contract, that I was still in love with him - that I wanted more - followed by one completely hysterical phone conversation and a multitude of drugs. I thought I would die of pain. Quite seriously. That "can of worms" my star sign spoke of and all those emotions I have fled so far from for over two years - they all came out in one earth shattering moment and I thought I was going to die. I crawled into the outline his body had made in my bed and wished I would never wake up - he was gone and wasn't coming back. I took a photograph of the indentation his head made on my pillow and one of my bloodshot, tear stained face - beg the day that I ever forget how much I lost and how much it hurt.

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Day 113 (Monday)

One shoulder to cry on, one emergency counselling appointment, one ex, ex boyfriend, so freaked out by my behaviour who called with a complete rescission of contract. One equivalent of the Berlin wall, smack down the middle of "us", rebuilt in seconds. There was no us, there never was, I was living in fantasy land.

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