Saturday, December 09, 2006

Day 111

Just for the record number 1: I know he won't call. But that hardly matters because I want him to so desperately. I don't know if I just want to see him so I can realise that I don't care anymore. Which woud be much easier than realising that I still feel the same about him.

Just for the record number 2: I always let him do this. It's like the proverbial cat and mouse game. Him being the cat in this scenario. (Why am I so fucking weak?)

Just for the record number 3: I am going out of my mind. Have been all day. So much so that I satyed in bed and forced myself to sleep until the back of 2pm. Self preservation technique number 1.

Just for the record number 4: I know tonight and tomorrow are going to be hell.

Just for the record number 5: I don't know if I can get through this.

Just for the record number 6: Why did he call if he knew he couldn't handle it. And why the hell did he say he loved me?

I am trying to get out of the house right now, which is proving rather difficult. I know if I stay in - I will go into a spiral of doom. Part of me would quite like to wind myself up to the point that I want to top myself, just to get the inevitable over and done with. But I know I need to get out of here, because the afore mentioned wallowing would be stupid.

It seems really stupid to be getting into a state over something that is so inevitable. But I can't stop myself. There is so much 'unfinished business' here. Part of me would like to get that old gem of a cliche and find some 'closure', but when you have loved that much, and haven't stopped on some level, admitting failure or some kind of finality seems utterly unbearable.

Tomorrow, when he has changed his mind. I will begin the process of convincing myself to hate him again. I will realise what a jerk he is. Probably until he calls again in another 6 months time and we do this all over again...Unless of course, I have a fabulous new distraction by then that gives me the strength to tell him to fuck off the minute he does.

The ravings of a lunatic that once loved a man so much that she thought she would die because of it.


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