Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Day 108

My day started by my I booking a ticket to London, to visit my family down there - I'm going on the 21st for a night. Jesus.

Then a day of visiting with the "friend who came back" and popping in on her sister, who has also just moved back home - she has a baby too now.

Here I suddenly was, with what I wanted six months ago, standing right in front of me. All up for grabs, all of us together again.

It was a like being in a bizarre, upside down, time warp: I was momentarily with the two people who were most important to me 5 or 6 years ago - with the people who knew me so well, who I sometimes feel hold the key to the very core of my identity. I stood there, remembering only who I was then (thinking I have no idea who the hell I am now) and wondering if they could remind me of that? Our lives, all so completely different now, with a once comfortable familiarity that ties us all together lying somewhere in the somewhat poetic distance. I had no idea what to do - so I 'public faced' it.

I started getting agitated on the walk home and a general, overwhelming, head encased chaos ensued. Swings and roundabouts. The 'mania' had reached fever pitch by the time I got back into the flat and stayed with me until I scratched my arm, earlier this evening. Two new tramlines to add to the growing collection. ( I think that is now 3 times in two weeks.)

A distraction based, cleaning frenzy started around 9pm after a hefty dose of Diazepam to dull the fallout from the evening's massacre. Then the "ex, ex" called. After 40minutes conversation we arranged to meet on Sunday, at his request.

I am now turned completely inside out. He is a dangerous man to talk to.

How ironic, old worlds colliding all in one day. Wham.


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