Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Day 107

So much to write down. So much I don't want to forget. One giant lesson learnt. I have no idea how to get it out of my head at the moment...Woods, trees, all so in the way.

Yesterday was a very important day. I agreed to go for a coffee with "the friend that went away".

Getting there proved rather difficult, first I took a Diazepam, then I had to find an alternative to my shortcut to the coffee shop - developers had decided to build a giant building site where it (the shortcut) once was (when did that happen - I walk past here - I walk past there a lot), then the park I walked through was flooded and I ended up, up to my ankles in mud. I thought it rather ironic at one point that my getting there was proving to be a difficult journey. "Come hell or high water"? Classy.

So, we met, we talked - a lot - and I tried to hide my mud caked feet from the staff in the deli. It was probably one of the most honest conversations I've had in my life, I didn't know I could do that, say exactly what I felt. I laid it all on the proverbial line and was prepared for it to go either way - for either of us. Just goes to show, just when you think you haven't moved on, not even an inch - you can prove yourself completely wrong. Previously I would have put up (with it) and shut up (about it) so as not to rock the boat. Or be on my own. Gah.

We came out of there solid again (I think - no, we are). It felt good. It feels good to have "a friend who came back". Finally, after feeling like we were miles apart for a long time - it feels good again. And I think we understand each other, maybe more so than we have.

Friendships are just the same as relationships, your boyfriend pisses you off you get mad, you get hurt and then after a while you work it out. Second chances are usually a given. It is also a lot harder to be honest with someone than to lie to them. "Remember that Rozza - but do not let it deter you."

I didn't realise how much I lied to people. Well, make excuses, fudge the truth, leave out details...all to protect people from seeing what's really happening in my head. To see me - inacase they hate it/me as much as I do. (Writing that makes me feel like a complete, self depreciating, twat. So much so that I want to delete it. Finger is hovering over the delete button. "Don't delete this you fool, these are important things to remember".)

Another friend said to me today that sometimes when a friend is ill - you have to remember that as their friend, it is not your job to 'fix' them, and when you think it is - you want to run a mile. Maybe my friend thought it was her job to 'fix' me. I didn't think about that before.

I also got to cuddle my honorary niece. I can't believe how much I missed her. It was quite overwhelming. (I have not felt that about someone so wee before.) And she smiles! She is so clever.

So, got home, watched a fair few episodes of "Buffy" (3 box sets, all bought by last boyfriend when I first got ill to keep me distracted). Navigating the menu layout reminded me of him. (It is laid out bizarrely.) It is also strange what one remembers. Wallowed slightly, then Job Centre Man called to remind me that I had an appointment with him today - tomorrow. "Shit". Then I spent about 3 hours checking, re-checking, swallowing more Diazepam and altering my Income Support 'statement' so I could take it with me. Highly stressful job. Got it into my head that they would imprison me if I got some minute fact wrong. Probably those adverts on TV about benefit fraud - it all penetrates somehow you know...Got into a complete state and fretted about it until this morning's meeting when a nice lady (who smelt of fags - oh how I miss them) told me it didn't really matter what I wrote. Honestly they put the fear of God into you, then try to pretend it doesn't matter. Tell me that when I have a criminal record. "Oh Jesus don't joke you fool."

Now I'm trying to book a train ticket to London, which is proving a trifle difficult at the moment...


Blogger Snoskred said...

Fantastic stuff.. good to read this..

3:46 pm  

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