Friday, December 29, 2006

Day 131 and the 11 previous days - part 4

I didn't go to London on Thursday - Day 123.

I spent the day in bed feeling guilty and stupid and pathetic.

Friday, Day 124 - I spent tidying the house and making ready for my Dad (step dad) to come and pick me up and drive me and my small charge (the hamster) to the Highlands for Christmas.

Christmas Day was difficult - I started handwriting a diary that day and it reads as follows:

"Self harming on Christmas day. Good move."

A large, repetitive scratch from wrist almost to elbow, on the upside of my left arm. Hardly festive.

The next few days followed with eating turkey and brussel sprouts, and having cake for breakfast. Naps in the afternoons and copious amounts of Diazepam.

Day 129, Wednesday 27th December. Diary entry:

"I feel as though I should start writing again, I think I want to but I don't know how.
I don't know what I want to write and don't feel I want to write without knowing that.
My bullshit detector is running a thousand miles an hour.
All I can think of is honesty.
I want to be honest.
So many things have happened in the last two weeks. People have died. No people I know personally - but family members of friends of mine.
I cannot help thinking blessed peace."

Yesterday, Day 130, was the hardest of all - my diary entry reads:

"I hate -- ------.
I can't even look at her.
She told me I was lazy and didn't deserve benefit and that she was jealous that I got benefits.
Jealous of someone who self harms and wants to kill themselves. Nice.
I cried myself to sleep this afternoon [mum stayed with me so I would not self harm again] and got up and was public face to her - even helped her home with her stuff. That was so not honest.
If I had been honest I would have stayed out of her way until she left and not even said goodbye.
I cannot believe how much she hurt and shocked me."

Today is Day 131 and I am back at home in my flat. It was difficult to leave. Especially when I was coming home to celebrate New Year. I don't have much to celebrate.

Mum drove down with me and is now lying on my couch, full of the cold, coughing like a trooper and watching Judi Dench in a rather risque film. I had to leave the room. Too many bosoms to view with my mother sitting beside me.

Yesterday's events are still fresh in my mind and troubling me a great deal.

Day 131 and the 11 previous days - part 3

Day 122:

Email to friend in London:

"Things have been getting slowly worse for the last few weeks. Mainly because I have been here for weeks now on my own and really pushing myself to do a lot. I haven't slept for more than 3 hours each night and am exhausted.

There has been a lot of shit going down with all the benefit stuff and money and the bank fucking up and me feeling all out of my depth to deal with it all. This weekend I had the small task of picking some things that I wanted for xmas from my family and I couldn't do it. I have been trying for the last week to pick these things up and I can't do it because I don't feel I deserve to have presents, because I am a horrid person. This culminated in a big bout of self harming and sever panic attacks from Sunday night. I am really struggling with the whole self worth thing at the moment and honestly wish I could just vanish. I don't feel I deserve to be alive. I don't feel I deserve to have my nice flat, nice things or my loving family and friends.

Earlier in the year I had convinced myself I would be all better by Christmas and now Christmas is here I am suddenly struck with the thought that I'm not better and still have some way to go. This has been really, really hard to deal with.

When I got ------ email about the party I had been spending a lot of time looking over the ------- website and the ---- site. I was looking at the pictures of you all and having fun and wanted to be part of all of that, so jumped at the chance of coming down.

At the moment I am terrified of getting on the train because I will be traveling alone and am terrified something happens like I panic when I am on the train and I am stuck on it for nearly 6 hours both ways. To date I haven't managed to do a train ride of more than an hour.

A big part of me wants to come down and just hang out like I had planned from the start, but because I am tired and have all this external shit going on it's a constant battle. I am so frustrated with myself because it feels like such a simple task is being turned into a major drama.

I know a lot of this is a mind over matter thing, but the small glimpses of this reality are few and far between. A lot of the time I can be fine and then my body takes over and seems to take matters into it's own hands. The voices in my head start screaming in my ears that I am shit and that I shouldn't/can't do things. Today when I was in town I was convinced I had been shoplifting because I was so out of it. I hadn't - just my head playing tricks on me.

Part of me doesn't want to come because I think I am so miserable I don't want to spoil your xmas party. I feel as though I should just take a step back until I feel a bit more 'normal' before exposing you lot to the Rozza.

Anyway - I'm not even sure why I'm writing this - maybe I just needed to tell someone.

At the moment I am trying to get the house sorted and pack a few things so if I can get on the train tomorrow I will.

And now I just want to appologise profusely for writing this, and hope you don't think I'm a pathetic looser.

When will it all stop?"

Her reply:

"Don't worry about not coming down, it sounds like its too much for now. I understand that you thought Christmas would be all better and the thought of coming down was exciting, but the reality of all that is far greater. Stop wrestling with yourself about it, decide not to come. The time will come when you can do it, but I don't think its tomorrow.

This is all very heavy stuff and I don't feel very equipped to being to unravel it. To say - no, you are not shit and you do deserve nice things and nice people - is trite. The rational you knows this, but the rational you is not the problem here.

In your heart of hearts what do you feel is at the root of all this and what is the thing that can start to shift you forward?

I know that is a huge question, but most huge questions have actually quite straight forward answers. Does it all relate back to your dad? (who I presume you have not seen for months now).

I have no idea when you will "get better". At this point it is useless and unhelpful to guess. You must not impose any more. They only lead to disappointment and setbacks. It is entirely possible that you will, to one extent or another, always be "like this". The hope is that if this is the case, it becomes at least manageable more of the time. I don't know of other such case studies, do you? Might be useful to read some case studies of similar break-downs.

It's a shame though that you can't come, we would all have been delighted to see you. But there would be some expectation of normality from you, it IS as you say a Christmas party.

I will say one thing – please please DO NOT harm yourself beyond repair. Please do not let the thoughts that you are worthless take over the rational head that knows you are very much worthwhile. I am asking you this even, not just saying.

I have known people take their lives, no-one close to me, but it is nevertheless shattering. and usually a total waste.

please don't."

Day 131 and the 11 previous days - part 2

Day 121:

More self harming.

Can't go to London.

Day 131 and the 11 previous days - part 1

It feels very strange being sat here in front of my computer, once again, after my absence. The past 11 days have felt like weeks.

The Friday I before I stopped writing, Day 117, I went to my usual Friday counselling appointment. I was angry. The night before I had spoken to the "Ex, Ex" on the phone and I was left feeling more frustrated than I had felt in a long while. There is no point in even getting into it - the conversation that is - because I still winds me up.

Needless to say, he has a very skewed view of our relationship, its violent ending and the few hours we spent together a week ago. He remembers very different times and blames me. He has the peace of mind not to remember the drunken volatile arguments and bullying, abusive behaviour - because he was constantly off his head. BUT, he does 'remember' that it was my fault. Something about our conversation that night made my blood run cold. He went off on a tangent about how I could "ruin his life" if I wanted to. He rambled on and on about situations that could be affected by "people knowing we had been together". He sounded confused and quite possibly, more disturbed than I. It was at that point that I realised I was fighting a losing battle. ("There is no point in even getting into it - the conversation that is - because I still winds me up."? And there I go again - I couldn't help myself could I?...see below)

I went into my appointment fuelled by the previous night's conversation and ranted for about 45 minutes, until I came to an abrupt halt. I remember walking to my appointment thinking I wanted an appraisal from my counsellor - I wanted to know how she felt I was doing, and if I had moved on any, because I just felt stuck in the same place I had started. After those 45 minutes of ranting on and on, I suddenly became so sick of talking. So sick to death of recounting the bad stuff, the past that fills my head constantly. I suddenly became aware that I felt I had talked my head off and I still felt the same. "What if all the talking was not the way to go? What if all the talking and analysing, and joining up the dots was just a waste of time and all I had to do was let go?"

This was possibly THE scariest thought to date. I don't know how to let go of things. This has become more apparent as time has gone on, with my constant desire to find people from my past and 'make right' what I feel I had done wrong. The people I contacted couldn't have cared less if a girl they once knew emailed them out of the blue and tried to dredge up the past. They had moved on - and it was simply bizarre to them that I had got in touch. My need to 'make right' has ended up in a lot of dead ends, and I have turned each and every one of those dead ends into more blame and guilt - instead of seeing them for what they actually were. I had done the same with the "Ex, Ex". By meeting up with him again after all this time, I was bringing it all along with me. The pain, the hurt and the frustration, when all I should have been doing was to allow myself to get over him.

I sat there, in the quiet room with the bright lights and thought, "If I let go of all this stuff, all of the past and just move on, who the hell will I be?" I don't know who I am without this past of mine, but quite obviously it isn't working, holding on to it all.

I had caught the tail end of a documentary called "Unknown White Male" the other night. The man in the film had severe amnesia and had lost his past - completely - and the filmmaker followed his journey, recreating himself from the ground up. At the time I remember thinking what luxury that was.

When all 'this' kicked off way back in July of 2005 - that is exactly how I felt. Like someone had wiped me away. Someone had erased my life and I had to rebuild it with only the parts I wanted or needed. By reliving all of my life to date I had helped to recreate my past, when all I wanted to do from my crashing point, was to keep forgetting.

That is when I decided not to talk anymore. My counsellor and I reconvene in January and from there, we shall work out how I go about losing my memory.

Day 118 - I met up with an old friend. She had crashed a few years previously and she has made it through to the other side. She is getting her life back together, and two years (?) on, she was sat in front of me, amazingly confident and courageous.

Day 119 was filled with Christmas shopping. And an evening of self harming.

Day 120 - I crashed. Big time.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Day 120

Can't write. Things are bad.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Day 116

I just threw a bottle at a door.

Day 115

Even though it is now Day 116 (technically) because it is after three am on Thursday morning - but hey, who's counting? Oh yes, I am...

Tonight I made Christmas cards. I have never felt less like making Christmas cards than I do now, but I think I got it nailed. It is the least Christmassy Christmas card I have ever seen, but that is very good in my eyes. Especially the cynical, misery filled, depression focused eyes that I am currently looking out of. I forgot to mention 'puffy'. They are 'puffy' too, from the days of weeping.

I am however making strides. I no longer dream that I am carrying the bastard offspring of the 'ex, ex'. My mind has mellowed somewhat on that front. (Let's hope it stays that way.) I also washed the bedsheets about an hour ago and put on freshly laundered ones so I can no longer pretend that the dent in the pillow is him, and that my sheets smell of him, because they didn't.

Yes, great strides.

I was even feeling quite charitable toward him this evening and thought I might send him one of my fabulous, hand made Christmas cards. Damn that spirit of Christmas, he gets everywhere.

I had lunch with my amazing best friend today, she is a little cross with the afore mentioned 'ex, ex' for taking advantage of me in my current mental state. I just think I should have been strong enough to tell him to piss off the first time he phoned. And yes, it's all my fault. I am the crazy psycho woman that likes to be trampled over when I am down. Bring me some birch twigs?

I took my sleeping tablet over 3 hours ago and I'm still not asleep. Not a good sign. And, as it happens all the time now, I may be on the verge of upping the Sertraline. Must book appointment with GP before Christmas because I am running out of everything.

I considered going to my Mum's early, earlier today and blowing off my trip to London town, just because I am in full misery. But I have so much to do before the holiday's that I think it best I stay here and try to tackle the enormous 'To Do List' (the list that keeps growing). The list with no end. Goddamit. Fighting with the bloody bank is still on the bloody list. I was also granted Income Support earlier this week. I was very surprised.

Right, time to watch more Gilmore Girls under crispy clean sheets in the hope that I get to sleep, soon.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Day 114

An email from my friend, received after I told her the ex, ex wanted to meet up...

"shit. my gut reaction is stay the hell away.

you are fragile. he has a history of doing this. he's erratic. he's been dumped and he comes running to you. now you know i like ----, but he's got issues. and you have too many issues of your own to deal with his too. you are not strong enough for this kind of drama. and i don't think ---- is capable of being the man you need him to be. sadly. i think he could be if he actually faced up to himself, but the last few years have not shown him to have changed. it's unfortunate.

but i could well be wrong and talking bollo.

when people are in rehab they are advised to stay out of relationships for a year after treatment. i think the same rule can apply to you right now. if ---- does love you still, properly, and wants you, he can wait and he can prove himself over time. i strongly advise against you jumping in here to meet him and embarking on some rollercoaster that will probably lead to more disappointment. you can call the shots.

short n sweet. but its up to you of course. that's just my humble opinion. and i repeat - i like ---- a lot. this is not said in damnation of him."

Wow, and I chose to ignore it - the good solid advice that if followed, would have prevented this chaos. Maybe I knew this would happen. Maybe I wanted my heart to fall out all over again? Maybe I just wanted him to be here, anyway I could have him.

I caught myself wishing that I was pregnant with his baby today. It was a serene moment. I truly, truly wished it. If I heard anyone else say that I would think "ah, the entrapment angle" and think I was a psycho. But, in all honesty it didn't feel like that - or maybe I did? Oh who the fuck knows? I know I feel jealous, serious "that should have been me", jealousy, that I should have been the one having a child with him, not her.

What does one do with that little nugget of information? Suggest he run in the opposite direction perhaps? Oh, he already did that - so at least that's covered.

I'm not sure that this is normal. Christ, what would be a 'normal' reaction to all of this?

Day 111.2, 112, 112.1 & 113

An addendum to Day 111 - so Day 111.2, I guess:

9 hours: one unspeakably amazing kiss and a night of talking and other things. Living one whole relationship in a night, being right back there, the way we were, the most amazing, heart stopping connection - and then he was gone.


Followed by: Day 112 (Sunday)

Two hours sleep, woken up by an "Oh shit" coming from the person lying next to me. One morning of putting me in a manageable "box", a multitude of rules, definitions, tea, jaffa cakes and a few tears - and then he was gone with an agreement to return, and a phone call that night.


Day 112.1 (Sunday)

One complete breakdown, one huge realisation that I couldn't abide by his rules of contract, that I was still in love with him - that I wanted more - followed by one completely hysterical phone conversation and a multitude of drugs. I thought I would die of pain. Quite seriously. That "can of worms" my star sign spoke of and all those emotions I have fled so far from for over two years - they all came out in one earth shattering moment and I thought I was going to die. I crawled into the outline his body had made in my bed and wished I would never wake up - he was gone and wasn't coming back. I took a photograph of the indentation his head made on my pillow and one of my bloodshot, tear stained face - beg the day that I ever forget how much I lost and how much it hurt.


Day 113 (Monday)

One shoulder to cry on, one emergency counselling appointment, one ex, ex boyfriend, so freaked out by my behaviour who called with a complete rescission of contract. One equivalent of the Berlin wall, smack down the middle of "us", rebuilt in seconds. There was no us, there never was, I was living in fantasy land.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Day 111.1

Feeling a bit better after having a Diazepam, eating some food, painting my finger nails black, (as the proverbial night) and blasting Martika (Toy Soldiers) through my very cosmopolitan Creature speakers.

Day 111

Just for the record number 1: I know he won't call. But that hardly matters because I want him to so desperately. I don't know if I just want to see him so I can realise that I don't care anymore. Which woud be much easier than realising that I still feel the same about him.

Just for the record number 2: I always let him do this. It's like the proverbial cat and mouse game. Him being the cat in this scenario. (Why am I so fucking weak?)

Just for the record number 3: I am going out of my mind. Have been all day. So much so that I satyed in bed and forced myself to sleep until the back of 2pm. Self preservation technique number 1.

Just for the record number 4: I know tonight and tomorrow are going to be hell.

Just for the record number 5: I don't know if I can get through this.

Just for the record number 6: Why did he call if he knew he couldn't handle it. And why the hell did he say he loved me?

I am trying to get out of the house right now, which is proving rather difficult. I know if I stay in - I will go into a spiral of doom. Part of me would quite like to wind myself up to the point that I want to top myself, just to get the inevitable over and done with. But I know I need to get out of here, because the afore mentioned wallowing would be stupid.

It seems really stupid to be getting into a state over something that is so inevitable. But I can't stop myself. There is so much 'unfinished business' here. Part of me would like to get that old gem of a cliche and find some 'closure', but when you have loved that much, and haven't stopped on some level, admitting failure or some kind of finality seems utterly unbearable.

Tomorrow, when he has changed his mind. I will begin the process of convincing myself to hate him again. I will realise what a jerk he is. Probably until he calls again in another 6 months time and we do this all over again...Unless of course, I have a fabulous new distraction by then that gives me the strength to tell him to fuck off the minute he does.

The ravings of a lunatic that once loved a man so much that she thought she would die because of it.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Day 110

I walked past the newspaper stand in the train station this morning - thinking "I should get a paper". So, I doubled back, following what can only be described as a 'force of nature' and picked up the paper - "today will be a good day for reading my star sign", I had concluded.

Boy was I right...

"It may feel like you've opened Pandora's box and all the sprites, ghosts and creepy-crawlies are flocking around. But there is a safety line of wisdom. If you can't find it in yourself, ask for help."

Good job I was on my way to my Friday counselling appointment at the time.

The appointment was painful, to say the least, and I required a blanket at one point. I have NEVER spoken about the "Ex, ex" to any counsellor before. Hard, does not even come close. He has been in my head since he called on Wednesday night. Last night I text him asking "So, did you change your mind, in the cold light of day?". He didn't reply, so I guess he's going to make an excuse not to meet up on Sunday, as he previously requested. I should be used to this by now, but every time, I go through the same ritual - I get out the photographs and put on the songs. I allow myself to wallow, so deeply in him for about 72 hours and then I have to stop before my heart falls out.

He is supposed to be calling me tomorrow night to arrange for Sunday. So, that means I have a further 24 hours of winding myself up before he doesn't call and I fall into a pit of despair. This is why I DO NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO THINK ABOUT HIM. Ever.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Day 108

My day started by my I booking a ticket to London, to visit my family down there - I'm going on the 21st for a night. Jesus.

Then a day of visiting with the "friend who came back" and popping in on her sister, who has also just moved back home - she has a baby too now.

Here I suddenly was, with what I wanted six months ago, standing right in front of me. All up for grabs, all of us together again.

It was a like being in a bizarre, upside down, time warp: I was momentarily with the two people who were most important to me 5 or 6 years ago - with the people who knew me so well, who I sometimes feel hold the key to the very core of my identity. I stood there, remembering only who I was then (thinking I have no idea who the hell I am now) and wondering if they could remind me of that? Our lives, all so completely different now, with a once comfortable familiarity that ties us all together lying somewhere in the somewhat poetic distance. I had no idea what to do - so I 'public faced' it.

I started getting agitated on the walk home and a general, overwhelming, head encased chaos ensued. Swings and roundabouts. The 'mania' had reached fever pitch by the time I got back into the flat and stayed with me until I scratched my arm, earlier this evening. Two new tramlines to add to the growing collection. ( I think that is now 3 times in two weeks.)

A distraction based, cleaning frenzy started around 9pm after a hefty dose of Diazepam to dull the fallout from the evening's massacre. Then the "ex, ex" called. After 40minutes conversation we arranged to meet on Sunday, at his request.

I am now turned completely inside out. He is a dangerous man to talk to.

How ironic, old worlds colliding all in one day. Wham.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Day 107

So much to write down. So much I don't want to forget. One giant lesson learnt. I have no idea how to get it out of my head at the moment...Woods, trees, all so in the way.

Yesterday was a very important day. I agreed to go for a coffee with "the friend that went away".

Getting there proved rather difficult, first I took a Diazepam, then I had to find an alternative to my shortcut to the coffee shop - developers had decided to build a giant building site where it (the shortcut) once was (when did that happen - I walk past here - I walk past there a lot), then the park I walked through was flooded and I ended up, up to my ankles in mud. I thought it rather ironic at one point that my getting there was proving to be a difficult journey. "Come hell or high water"? Classy.

So, we met, we talked - a lot - and I tried to hide my mud caked feet from the staff in the deli. It was probably one of the most honest conversations I've had in my life, I didn't know I could do that, say exactly what I felt. I laid it all on the proverbial line and was prepared for it to go either way - for either of us. Just goes to show, just when you think you haven't moved on, not even an inch - you can prove yourself completely wrong. Previously I would have put up (with it) and shut up (about it) so as not to rock the boat. Or be on my own. Gah.

We came out of there solid again (I think - no, we are). It felt good. It feels good to have "a friend who came back". Finally, after feeling like we were miles apart for a long time - it feels good again. And I think we understand each other, maybe more so than we have.

Friendships are just the same as relationships, your boyfriend pisses you off you get mad, you get hurt and then after a while you work it out. Second chances are usually a given. It is also a lot harder to be honest with someone than to lie to them. "Remember that Rozza - but do not let it deter you."

I didn't realise how much I lied to people. Well, make excuses, fudge the truth, leave out details...all to protect people from seeing what's really happening in my head. To see me - inacase they hate it/me as much as I do. (Writing that makes me feel like a complete, self depreciating, twat. So much so that I want to delete it. Finger is hovering over the delete button. "Don't delete this you fool, these are important things to remember".)

Another friend said to me today that sometimes when a friend is ill - you have to remember that as their friend, it is not your job to 'fix' them, and when you think it is - you want to run a mile. Maybe my friend thought it was her job to 'fix' me. I didn't think about that before.

I also got to cuddle my honorary niece. I can't believe how much I missed her. It was quite overwhelming. (I have not felt that about someone so wee before.) And she smiles! She is so clever.

So, got home, watched a fair few episodes of "Buffy" (3 box sets, all bought by last boyfriend when I first got ill to keep me distracted). Navigating the menu layout reminded me of him. (It is laid out bizarrely.) It is also strange what one remembers. Wallowed slightly, then Job Centre Man called to remind me that I had an appointment with him today - tomorrow. "Shit". Then I spent about 3 hours checking, re-checking, swallowing more Diazepam and altering my Income Support 'statement' so I could take it with me. Highly stressful job. Got it into my head that they would imprison me if I got some minute fact wrong. Probably those adverts on TV about benefit fraud - it all penetrates somehow you know...Got into a complete state and fretted about it until this morning's meeting when a nice lady (who smelt of fags - oh how I miss them) told me it didn't really matter what I wrote. Honestly they put the fear of God into you, then try to pretend it doesn't matter. Tell me that when I have a criminal record. "Oh Jesus don't joke you fool."

Now I'm trying to book a train ticket to London, which is proving a trifle difficult at the moment...

Monday, December 04, 2006

Day 106

A few things I have noticed today:

1) I am disgusting. Proof being - I just washed a plate of fingernail clippings and congealed mayonaise down the sink.
2) I never do the washing up more than once, maybe twice a week.
3) I have weird fascinations with crap TV - I have now become obsessed with "Home and Away".
4) I like watching things in a series. Especially American TV shows.
5) I love Hobnobs. Especially dunked in tea or sucked.
6) I like short nails better than long.
7) I like leaving the bath tap running when I'm in the bath.
8) I enjoy reading 'craft' blogs.
9) I love old books. Especially second hand ones that have inscriptions to people I don't know on the inside covers.
10) I miss brown paper bags that we used to get when grocery shopping. (There used to be a choice at Safeway's - plastic or paper.)
11) I like old photographs.
12) I like peppermint tea with honey in it.
13) I am obsessed with birds. They don't have to be alive - in fact, I probably prefer every other kind to alive ones.
14) I like dead things.
15) I love watching scary films - even though I hate the backlash afterwards.
16) I love packaging.
17) I love paper.
18) I love type.
19) I like things that come in 3's.
20) I like trees without leaves on them.
21) Finding furniture and objects in the street makes me feel very clever.
22) I like pain au chocolat.
23) Cornflakes taste like cardboard when you haven't smoked for a week.
24) I like peppermint in things. Especially hot chocolate.
25) I love iced coffee.
26) I like black interiors.
27) Grey is now a colour I think looks nice on floorboards.
28) I love old, sludgy "war time" colours.
29) Knitting is fun.
30) I love a good angle poise.
31) I love malt and cod liver oil. In a jar.
32) I love the jars that malt and cod liver oil come in.
33) I love collecting things.
34) I like blue lightbulbs. For decoration only.
35) Being honest is much harder than lying.
36) Pure wool in most forms, apart from on sheep, is very comforting.
37) I like lots of blankets.
38) Melamine was a VERY good invention.
39) I like drawing with old school pen nibs.
40) The ampersand is a lovely thing.
41) Writing lists is very satisfying.
42) Wearing 'Marigolds' makes me feel grown up.
43) Calendars are very useful.
44) I would have liked to have picked Spike Milligan's brain about a few things.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Day 104 or 105

I'm still awake. It's 4.12am. AM. AM. AM.

I don't think the next day counts as the next day until I've had a night's sleep and am up - the next day...

I've been in bed for hours. And hours and hours and hours and hours.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Day 104

Apparently I have someone living wih me called Richard. People keep calling for him and leaving messages on my answer machine and sending him mail. He wasn't here when I when I moved in - he's just appeared this week.

I think he must live in the cupboard in my lounge.

I hope he's nice and well mannered.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Day 103

Last night I threw myself into cleaning and tidying. I cleaned and tidied, washed the dishes and started the laundry. And then couldn't sleep. I was still awake watching the clock at 3.55am.

Counselling today. A tough session. We talked about the week just gone. It has been a shitty week and I am having to think about shitty things.

But I do have a nice haircut, as of today.