Monday, November 27, 2006

Day 99

I had a horrible day yesterday. I slept for over 12 hours waking up way after noon. Was up for about 2 hours watching Gilmore Girls obsessively, then went back to bed for about 4 hours until 8pm. I mooched and lay, staring at the laptop and TV for a while then watched Brokeback Mountain. At 2am I took another sleeping pill and tried to get to sleep.

By that point I was out of my mind with the inabillity to do anything. I contemplated self harming, and got into a complete headspin that I might 'accidentally', stab myself through the heart with the knitting needles by my bed during the night. I often feel this out of control of my actions and it scares the living daylights out of me. I think I may wander out into the street in the dead of night and become lost forever, forgetting who I am and where I came from.

It is a very real fear, fearing that you might suddenly fall off the world at any given moment. You hold on so tightly to any available faculty that you might think you have left, all day, every day, just incase you become enveloped in an overwhelming fog and become completely and utterly lost, forever.

Today I feel so confused at what I am supposed to do. "Should I get out of my PJ's before I go to the shop?" "Should I wash first?" "What about the dishes, and then there's the bills, and that form I have to check over..."

"Write it down, and work through it methodically..."

Fuck, agh! The noise in my head is LOUD today. Loud and all talking at once.


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