Sunday, November 12, 2006

Day 84.1

Just sitting here waiting for the Zopiclone to kick in. It's not been a great day. A-g-a-i-n. I'm getting a bit bored of this routine now. I'm tired. My head is tired. Maybe my soul too.

Old ghosts came a visiting yesterday. I felt just like Scrooge, with ex's past coming to show me the errors of my ways in the dark of night. At least there were no rattling chains - small mercies. Thoughts of 'him' have stayed with me all day today and I can't shake them off. He was the last one, the one who was there when I was first diagnosed. And then, I lost him.

Anyway, I have moments like these from time to time, like all of us do, when I ponder what could have been. I guess this is just one of those times and you just have to ride it out...until the feelings go away again. Sometimes it feels like being on a perpetual roundabout that some big bully just keeps swinging round and around and you can't get off. Round and around until you're so dizzy, you throw up.

So I sit here fag in hand, typing away, waiting for the sleeping tablets to kick in so I can sleep. C'est la bloody vie

I ventured into other blogs about depression today and freaked myself out completely. Talk of ECT and all other dark things lead me to a path I didn't want to go down. So, I went into town and picked up some presents for birthday's I've missed. Trying desperately to concentrate.

"Don't think about anything too much", I say. Hark at me - "practice what you preach", young Rozza...


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