Friday, November 10, 2006

Day 82.1

A horrible day.

I have felt so awful all day, and still do sitting here tonight - and a bit weepy at the moment. Counselling today was hard. I was battling a big panic attack all morning but managed through it without resorting to Diazepam. Small triumphs. I was trying so desperately not to be scared of feeling something. When I start feeling horribe emotions my now, normal reaction, is to swallow a pill.

We talked a lot about my childhood during today's session and I found all of it difficult. By the end of our time, I mainly felt guilty because I thought I was angry at Mum for some of the decisions she made when my dad left us. I feel as if I have no right to challenge any decision my mum makes, or has made as she had to deal with so much shit when my dad left.

Sitting here tonight however, I feel desperately sad and tearful. I feel that when I lost my dad, all those years ago, I lost my mum too. When my dad was around, my mum was at home all the time - we affectionately call her the 'Blue Peter' mum because she used to play with us all day every day, just making and do-ing. She was always, always there and I followed her around like a little shadow, if she was ironing, so was I, with my little, toy iron and ironing board.

When Dad left, she had to be Mum and Dad and provider. She also had a full time job looking after my grandfather who was really sick. She went back to school to get qualifications to get a better job, and we lost her. We lost her to her books and her struggles and a lot of things we never, never knew she was dealing with. I always thought I was angry about that, about losing her, but I'm not, I'm just heartbroken. I lost my mum. I am so sad that this happened to us because 'he' changed his mind.

That may sound selfish and self absorbed in our contemporary world, but actually, I don't care. It's how I feel and part of the important puzzle that has brought me to this point. I am slowly learning there is no point in lying to yourself about how you feel about things. No-matter how stupid those feelings might seem to you or others around you.

Feeling slightly numb, dazed and confused I stumbled from counselling to the supermarket, to grab a coffe with my gorgeous friend (she is always there when I need her). To the bank, dropping off sick lines and then hopped on the train, dodged the flash floods and went to the Job Centre to drop in yet another sick line and start a claim for Income Support. Apparently you only need to qualify for about 50p to get full Housing Benefit - which is what we are aiming for. Dear God, it's all too much!

Black, black, black as the night my day was today. But I get a fucking huge, green, star shaped sticker for effort. Jesus.

And now I need to go and drink copious amounts of water because I have a weeping headache.


Blogger Shannon said...

I found your blog through the NaBloPoMo randomizer. I want to tell you that your post really touched me. I am an at-home Mom and I really take that for granted (and also complain a great deal about it). If I had to suddenly be a single Mom, my world would be torn apart. Thanks for helping me remember that and making my day a little brighter. While I know nothing about you, I have struggled with depression myself and you have my best wishes. I hope you have a better day today.

12:55 pm  

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