Friday, November 03, 2006

Day 75

Well, that kip didn't last long. Not that I slept. My mind was going around and around, being chased by big demons and little demons.

So I got up and made some soup for tomorrow night. Mushroom it is - and it's simmering away on the stove as I type. funny how you remember to cook, when you don't think about it. Or maybe i didn't - hilarious - I shall find out tomorrow.

I've had the second Diazepamela of the day and am feeling a little drunk at the moment. Drunk and maudlin. I don't deserve any of this. Not the illness that is festering away in my brain - yes, because i deserve that. What I don't deserve is all the goodness in my life. Where's my penitence, where's my suffering? Is this it? Is this all I get for being a crap human being? Well, bring it on I say.

I made some toast, because I was hungry. Hungry, hungry, hungry. I always get hungy at night these days. Not during the day so much, just at night when I should be sleeping. Toast and strawberry jam I had. It's the best combination.

Do you know I lost all my email last week? I lost emails from my deaest friends that said nice things and I am gutted. Absolutely gutted. I can never get them back. And why are mushrooms so dark when you cook them? Most unappetising.

The people downstairs are at it again. Thud. Maybe that was her falling over because she is so drunk. Drunk and shoutey. I can just picture the pair of them swaying around down there, drinks in their hands, shouting incoherent sentences at each other. Or maybe to nobody in particular. Funny thing is I've never seen them. I've seen the lady with the cats that wee in the stairwell, and the handsome man upstairs. Well, I think he was handsome - I can't remember now.

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