Thursday, November 02, 2006

Day 74

I’m sitting here in the dark, with only the glow from my computer screen for company. It’s only eight minutes past five in the evening and it’s already, nearly dark.

I wished for this time of year to come around again, so I could hide in the depths of the darkness that lasts a days length, but now it is here, I wonder if I’ve bitten off more than I can chew?

‘Spring forward, Fall back’, that’s how I remember to turn back and forward the hands of time to give us both winter and summertime. It seems an eerily strange act to turn back the hands of time to allow for more darkness. Stranger still for someone that is looking for light, not the bright light at the end of the tunnel, but for some sort of illumination of life, to engage in this act of voluntarily plunging oneself into darkness. I guess I will just have to keep the old campfire burning and watch my electricity bill rocket, in order to find any sort of lumination this season.

I spent my afternoon wandering the isles of a supermarket, pushing a trolley that I had ‘rented’ for a pound. It was all so shiny and bright and full of promise, but such a sad, considered and targeted space for anyone to invest in a life. Immersed in consumerism, I watched people shop to sustain life, without really seeing them, or them me.

I found it hard to concentrate on the task in hand, stocking up on food that I couldn’t imagine myself eating: cheese, mushrooms, milk and onions. I couldn’t remember how to combine them when I was picking them out. I have been so immersed inside my own thoughts and with my demons that I have forgotten how to combine simple items to create food to sustain my life. I have no interest in it. Maybe that’s it; maybe my lack of interest in sustaining my life is as simple as forgetting how to combine produce to make a meal?

Off I go to more clocks back. A little late I know, but as I said, I’m hesitant of going backwards. I’d rather stand still.

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