Thursday, November 30, 2006

Day 102

I am lying here lying to myself that things aren't so bad. Yet, today I have barely been vertical.

I was supposed to meet the old friend from yesterday's post today, and I lied about being busy so I wouldn't have to go and I stayed in bed all day long. My teeth hurt, I've been lying down for so long.

What is wrong with me? I don't want to get up, I don't want to go outside or see anybody. I DON'T want to talk on the phone.

I was supposed to have a medical assessment tomorrow morning at 10.10am and I was getting really scared about going. I really wanted to ask someone to go with me, but then I felt so fraudulent because I have been going out, on my own, for a while now. They, however, called me today and cancelled the appointment because they received "further information" from my doctor, so I don't have to go. Then I wanted to know what the doctor had said. What is being said behind my back?

The dishes have piled up all over the kitchen again, and I can't get into the zone required to fix that. I need to change my bed sheets and pick up around here and I can't be bothered. The intention is there, but the motivation, that lies a thousand miles down, under my mattress.

I'm stuck, but I don't want anyone to know. I don't want to tell anyone, I just want to laugh it off. I want to giggle like a naughty 6 year old and pretend that today has just been a 'naughty' lie in, a one off. But it isn't.

My head was wound so tightly last night that I stayed awake in bed from 11pm to 3am, twirling. I had taken a sleeping tablet too, and that didn't take over like it used to. I have taken a sleeping tablet, every night for weeks, and have had more than my fair share of Vallium; but I still feel like I'm faking it. Stepping outside the door seems like an almighty stretch and I still feel like I'm faking it. I sleep for maybe 15/16 hours a day and I still feel like I'm faking it. Today the letterbox kept rattling because the hurricane, that was swirling itself into a frenzy outside my door, kept poking it - every time I jumped out of my skin. What if someone was out there and wanted me to open up? What if someone was out there and I would open the door and have to speak to them, or worse still they would see I was still in my pyjamas? They would think nothing other than I was a lazy girl that sleeps all day.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?"

Someone, please help me, without my having to ask you...

2 Comments:

Blogger Snoskred said...

Well, I'm no psychologist, but being that I spent at least a year in quite a similar state, this sounds to me like depression. I could have written this post myself a few years ago.
At this stage, you have a couple of choices. Choice one - You can stay in bed, only getting up to go to the bathroom, with the occasional day where you manage a shower and possibly to get in the zone to fix the dishes. I did this myself, for at least 12 months. It was quite a waste of time really and it did me no good. Unplug the phone. Yep, I used to just let it ring. The only way my partner could get me to answer was to ring about 6 times in a row, and then I would be forced to pick it up just because I couldn't stand the noise anymore. Some days I deliberately unplugged it because I could not bear the thought of it ringing.

You don't want to get up, you don't want to go outside, you don't want to talk on the phone. I stayed stuck there for over a year, and it was no fun. Trust me, choice one is not a good one.

I eventually started to make myself do things, only because the other option was to sink completely and I did not want to let that happen, as bad as things were. So..

Choice two - you don't have to let this sink you. You can make a decision to *make* yourself do things. This is the only way you're going to get better. People out there want to help you. Really, they do.

So my suggestion is, make these things you don't want to do something you can enjoy. Put on some music you like, and get moving. Make a to-do list of things that need doing and break it down into the small stuff because each small thing seems like a huge mouintain to climb to you right now. So put all the things like get up out of bed, shower, get dressed, dishes etc on the list and each time you cross something off, feel that intense personal satisfaction of getting something done. I still do that now. Start out just aiming to get one thing crossed off that list each day. You can do it. That means just by getting up, you are achieving a goal you have set for yourself. Right now your goals need to be just the normal, every day stuff that most people take for granted.

Pick one day a week where you don't have to do these things - you don't have to get up, get dressed, you unplug the phone if you feel like it. Probably make that a weekend day, like a Sunday. Make that day sacred, book no appointments on that day, make no arrangements. Spend that day doing exactly what you feel like doing, and if it happens to be lying around in bed, well guess what, plenty of people do that once a week, there's nothing wrong with it. Read a book, watch a movie, or if there is something you really want to do just for you, this is the day to do it.

Just last week, I was in the shower, and I suddenly realised that I now do that every day without even thinking about it. It's no longer a mountain to climb. But I remember how it used to be, and how most days I couldn't even manage this seemingly tiny task. There is a way out of this. I found it, and so will you, and before you know it, you'll find yourself in the shower realising that you've managed it every day without even thinking about it. It will become effortless again.

You do need to let people know how you are feeling. I did not. I kept it inside, and people did not know what to do to help me. I didn't know what they could have done, either. I just knew I felt bad. Nobody called it depression until I was halfway out of the fog already.

I wish I was somewhere nearby, but I'm not, I live in Australia. :( I hope what I've written lets you know you're not alone, that it lets you know there's thousands upon thousands of people suffering depression, all kinds of people from all different walks of life. And so many of them say exactly what you have said here.

I was reading an interview just yesterday with a famous Aussie actor (probably you won't know him) and he said - "I got through that first show, and then suddenly I, I found I just couldn't get out of bed. And it was terrible." And I get what he means. And I get what you're saying in this post. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, you know?

If I could wave a magic wand for you, I would. But it's not that simple, nothing ever is. You just have to decide to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. You will get there, you will make it, if you can just do that.

5:43 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't have any advice or words of wisdom. Just wanted you to know that I am sending positive thoughts your way today.

4:50 pm  

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