Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Day 101

Two things: 1) rather aptly, "Room 101" and things that should go into it and 2) a song with the following words in it: "Here I am stuck in the middle with you..."

An old friend hurt me yesterday. Well, not yesterday exactly, as this has been an ongoing thing since I relocated north of the border, but the wrongdoing was confirmed, last night, by phone, thus making last night and today hell on legs.

I got an email from her, a long chatty email with an apology at the end: "Anyway, I just wanted to say sorry for being crap and not much use to you at the moment..."

That was yesterday evening, and after she got my reply we talked on the phone. A lot of difficult things were said, primarily that she had felt unable to deal with what was happening to me and had purposefully distanced herself from me to protect herself.

I hit a major low after talking to her. I cried while I was talking to her. I never cry in front of people, if it can be helped, in fact, I go out of my way not to. Above all I had no idea how affected I was by her behaviour.

In the hours that have passed since our conversation, I have realised that there is a very big difference between someone ‘depending’ on you and someone who just needs your support. I have never said to anyone that I depend on them - apart from my mother who said I was allowed to depend on her – I double checked. I thought true friendship was going to someone in their hour of need, no questions asked, just like I did for her. I think she still wants us to be friends, but I don't trust her now, I also feel suspicious. Above all I feel so, so hurt and humiliated. I feel freakish and rejected, but part of me is also unsurprised. Who would want to be around me, like this? Even I don’t want that.

People used to say we were so close we were like sisters, and I know that depression, self-harming and suicide are all terrible things for people who love you to bear, but when I needed her, when I really needed her, she walked away. So, do I blame her or accept whatever she can offer?

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Today I didn't want to get out of bed. I had an appointment with my NHS counsellor this morning so I had to get up, which, after a sleepless night was not easy. And then my appointment was cancelled so I panicked, a lot, took a Diazepam and went back to bed.

I later hauled myself out of bed and MADE myself go into town for fear I would never go out again.

I made it.

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