Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Day 72

I’m struggling a bit to spend time writing the old bloggo at the moment, especially because I seem rather irritable of late. This lack of enthusiasm for the medium is annoying because I know, when I eventually get round to reading ‘it’ in it’s entirety, I will wonder what was going on, on the days that I write very little. (Ha, probably nothing.) I also feel that I’m not keeping up my end of the ‘bargain’ by documenting this ‘whole experience’ in its entirety. Some days though, I just couldn’t give a shit, and think “am I ever going to read my own dull ramblings anyway”. Maybe the days that are lacking are just as indicative as the days when they are not. Oh who bloody knows? So with extreme enthusiasm (insert extreme enthusiasm here), I begin…

Week 3 of the Lustral. Things seem to have balanced out a lot, although I am very grumpy. The only thing that I’m a bit worried about is the amount of sleeping I’m doing – no less than 10 hours a night. Mind you, if you accumulate all the months on no sleep, I think I might have a few hours to catch up on. I also haven’t been napping during the day because I’m sleeping till midday. The dreams are still there every night, but now they are more complex and rambling rather than terrifying.

I haven’t wanted to self-harm over this past week, and I sometimes catch myself wishing the scars would go away. I’ve started wearing an old, favourite bracelet again. I haven’t been able to wear any jewellery on my hands or wrists for months, because pretty things look weird next to ugly scars. Anyway, I’m trying it out. It’s a struggle not to take it off, and to try not to keep my hands and arms covered all the time, but I think it might be a good thing to try to get back to ‘normal’ wear. I am acutely aware that people might be looking – especially when I’m trapped on public transport. I wonder what people think, or if they even notice.

This week I managed to write the dreaded ‘to do list’ that I have been putting off for a long time and, 2 sides of A4 later, I am slowly getting through the list, giving myself giant ticks along the way. I also have my dinner party to organize for the end of the week - so I’ve been kept pretty busy getting the flat visitor friendly. When you are living like a hermit you don’t see the piles of shite accumulating. Well, you do, but you just step over them and ignore the mess.

Yesterday, the infamous boil day, saw me strapped to the telephone and my computer for hours, trying to sort out domains and email accounts as my domain went down last week and I lost all my email. All very taxing. This also meant I had to be in touch with the ex - as he was helping out. All very taxing, like I said. But at least I tackled it. A few weeks, nay days ago, I would just have ignored it all and gone to bed.

I started reading again yesterday, after a brief break, which has been nice, especially since “Dora’s dad had been struck down with a crippling affliction”. Oh my.

With pleasure also comes pain and during my reading frenzy today I got rather annoyed, (a theme is definitely developing here) reading sections of Patrick Holford’s, “Optimum Nutrition for the Mind” in a shop. I got the distinct impression that he thought mental, ill health was a mere construction on the part of the ‘sufferer’; juxtaposing depression with neurosis. Which in my mind translated to hypochondria. Everyone’s an expert aren’t they? Bloody hair mineral analysis man. I also picked up a copy of that Mackenna man’s “I will make you thin” or whatever it is called, but put it down again because you can’t do the CD work if you are mental. It said so, which I thought was quite ironic. And don’t ever read “Depression for Dummies”, it is farcical.

Good deed of the day: I helped a girl on the train who was vomiting quietly. I’ve never seen anyone vomit and make no noise. People were just looking and nobody was helping, my worst nightmare. So I waded in. I am obviously going to Heaven now.

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