Sunday, October 22, 2006

Day 62

Saturday 21 October 2006. Couldn’t post when I got home because the lappentoppen was misbehaving.

I am just back from a night out at a beautiful dinner with friends - a pleasurable meeting of sorts, but one that leaves me realizing that my social skills are not at their best these days. I looked around the dinner table this evening at the gathered couples, thinking they are so at ease here, and I am beginning to implode with anxiety.

It seems that at the time when they were all growing into couples and getting their shit together, I was shying away from that life. I was living with the ‘ex, ex’ in London and I was too embarrassed to socialize with him because I always knew what he would become with a skin full of alcohol and ‘recreationals’. I could ‘manage’ him best I could behind closed doors but didn’t want to expose others to his schizophrenic temperament. It was all too shameful. I also was battling with my own demons and resultant lack of confidence so missed out this huge chunk of both personal and social development.

I hope that in time this will all get easier for me, and as my mum reminded me last night “They are not recovering from an illness, so of course you think that they will be doing better than you.” There’s that weird word again, illness. Is that really what I have?

I also know that I am my own harshest critic and that (most probably) my hosts and dear friends would think that I was just my old self. It’s hard to explain that I may be that on the outside, but it is far from what I feel under my skin. ‘Public face’ rules supreme.

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