Thursday, October 19, 2006

Day 60

We came home today. The four hour drive was long and the weather was diabolical. Good job my mother was driving for two reasons; 1) I can’t drive and 2) I’m not allowed to operate heavy machinery. The rhythmic pounding of the rain on the windshield drove me insane. I think I spent most of the journey with my jaws clamped tightly together. That was until we found a dodgy Rock Anthems CD and I let rip - quietly.

I was dreading walking into the flat and it was just as I expected - I wanted to turn and run in the opposite direction. I have bastardized this place to the point of no return, and now associate all the bad days with being here - hence the crazy, sage cleansing antics (that we haven’t done yet). Upon our return I started cleaning like a madwoman and have only just stopped. The lounge actually looks passable now and is a complete miracle considering the state it was left in – furniture piled on top of furniture in a manic moment. I also chucked out about a thousand plastic bags, landfill sites across the land I do apologise, but it was an emergency. I kept finding them everywhere with bits of paper in them. I’m sure there’s an equal amount left to find. All I could think of was an old flat mate whose parting line was “I’m moving out because you leave bags lying around everywhere.” She was a bit mental – but I think she might have been right.

All my shit is annoying me immensely today and I want to chuck out everything I own. I felt like this when I lived in London and first got unwell. Stuff everywhere. It gets unmanageable when I’m on a downer and crap collects in every corner that I inhabit. Mess, mess, mess, mess, mess and bits of paper. Christ, you’ve never seen so much bloody paper. Oh and I started on the rollies again. Mum is gutted. Weirdly it makes me feel like ‘me’ again – if that makes any sense? Probably can’t get used to the minty fresh mouth – that’s all.

I have so much to do now I’m back – having two weeks away from my ‘life’ leaves a lot to attend to when one returns. Mainly form filling. Jesus, God almighty, bloody forms. “Yes, I’m still ill.” “No, my circumstances haven’t changed.” A ‘to do list’, I need a ‘to do list’. Everything is running around in my head like my baby hamster in his exercise ball. (I think he’s forgiven me for being less than attentive with him before we left on our impromptu trip. Probably only because he’s just spent two weeks at his Granny’s getting spoiled rotten.)

Even though today was a lesson in dealing with extreme displacement anxiety, I reckon I might give myself a green sticker for effort. Yes, I think I will.

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