Sunday, October 15, 2006

Day 54

Friday 13 October 2006 - I survived it.

I had my counselling via the telephone today and I go so stressed out before the call I had to have a Diazepam. I also learned to make the distinction between depression and anxiety. Which is good - because I was taking the Diazepam when I was depressed, as well as when I was agitated, which is/was pointless because it does nowt for depression. Very good to realise, although slightly dismaying, as revelations such as this leave one rather at sea when a tidal wave of depression hits.

The phone session was more OK than I expected. I actually felt I got more said/covered because I had to concentrate so hard on listening that I couldn't fall into a dwalm. I got all the crapola off my chest about the shite-ness of the NHS and their inability to provide adequate services/support for those with mental health problems; and about the treatment of the situation last week, when I was ill/having weird reaction to the tricyclic drugs. My Friday counsellor reiterated that she thought I had a reaction to the tricyclic's. I am inclined to agree as my body is reacting wildly to this sudden change of events - on one, off one, on another one... My usual 28 day, I-can-set-my-watch-by-it-cycle has gone for a complete burton with my monthly 'visit' coming waaaay early, vanishing and coming back again and hanging around like an unwelcome guest to this very day. I cannot produce a crap that Dr Gillian would be proud of. I still can't eat certain foods because they make me want to vom - a textural thing I believe. My hair is falling out, my scalp is falling off and I have boils the size of golf balls on my usually peachy complexion. What joy.

I talked to her about Evil Girl and how she keeps showing up and messes with things, my mind mainly. I did wonder briefly if she would request to speak to my mother after that little gem was let loose, but she took it all in her "I've heard it all" stride. Good for her. We pondered on where the 'voice' of Evil Girl might have come from. I know exactly where she comes from. Years of "You make shit decisions." "You fuck everything up." "You couldn't possibly do that." "You are the root of all evil." And my personal favourite, out of the mouth of my adoring Papa: "You will never amount to anything." If she, (Evil Girl) has her way, I think I just may prove him right.

We also discussed 'mixed messages' as I constantly complain that I feel like a walking dichotomy, and we came up with the following: The "Should I be on my own?" message versus, the "I want to be on my own" message, versus the "Everything will be OK once I have someone to share my life with" message, versus the good 'ole "Human Condition: mate and reproduce" message. Honestly. All small parts of a massive off balance structure, but hey, at least we are breaking down the big, bad ass, shoulder tumour that this whole nonsense has become.

Mum used to tell us when we were wee that we had to learn to be "OK by ourselves" before we got into any form of serious relationship. I have been blundering about thinking, "don't go near any boys because you might fall in love and then be in a relationship and you're not OK on your own yet..." That was until my helpful counsellor pointed out that I am OK on my own - i.e. I can fill a car with petrol, I can balance a cheque book, I can pay the bills, do the shopping, amuse myself (well, for 5 minutes at least) and look after a small animal... Boom. Yet another mixed message bites the proverbial dust... What if one was to be bold enough to say that it is OK to want to share your life with someone after all. I heard an adult (yes, I do keep forgetting that I am also one of those) say that being single, sucked. He is 65 and on his own and hates it. We, (the family and I) had all been thinking he was a confirmed bachelor and deeply happy with his single ness - especially my mother who would use him as an example of exemplorary singledom, oftentimes to me. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to jump up and down and shake my ample bottom in my mother's face, (she was party to the same conversation) and say, "see - it's not just me, and it is OK to feel like that." It was as if someone had given me permission to feel OK with how I felt. ( I always feel I need permission to 'go against' The Mother.) Sometime I think parents should take more care in what they drum into their young ones minds, because as well meaning as it may seem at the time - over the years all these 'helpful tips' turn into almighty roars. Especially when you are also told not to trust your own mind and that you should listen and do what others say instead.

And so, with another appointment booked in for next week, I went straight from full force counselling, to full on socialising with a 7 year old when my Mum's cousin came to visit with his wee girl - that we had never met. I ended up paddling in the North sea with her, which was rather cold, but gained me years of Brownie points. Unfortunatey now, I may also have Leprosy, and at the very least the Plague.

I pretty OK day considering I was gutted that I didn't get home for the party tonight. Perhaps a good thing though, because I get a bit melancholy after social events. And would have probably ended up back here with another war wound. Plus I still hate my flat and don't want to go back there ever again.

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