Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Day 51

Little pieces of cornflakes. That's what my head feels like today. Cornflakes. Yesterday, breadcrumbs - tomorrow who knows; it could be something gross like tuna. The 'illness' is starting to go, thank the Lord. I only had to take one round of anti-nausea tablets today and two rounds of painkillers. Big improvement.

It has rather knocked me for six though, all this coming off the Citalopram, being sans medication, going onto the Lofepramene, getting sick; going cold turkey off the Lofepramene, hitting a low and then starting the newbies - the Lustral - yesterday. My confidence has gone again. Well, what little I had managed to build up in the few weeks I saw Dr Resident Shrink, (at least 6 weeks ago now...)

I have counselling on Friday morning, (in 3 days time) and I am trying to psyche myself up to getting on the bus back to the city Thursday evening...by myself. The 'talking ones self into everything' gets rather wearing after a time. It's like having a really unconfident child attached to you, that you are monitoring constantly; constantly cajoling, urging them to move forward. Onto every-single-little-step-forward. Explaining why it will be OK to sit on the bus for 4 hours. How everyone else on the bus will be in the same position - delfecting arguments of: "Not everyone else on the bus is mental." "Not everyone else on the bus is on medication." "Not everyone else on the bus has been ill for the last two weeks." "Not everyone else on the bus has been taking anti- sickness tablets." "Not everyone else on the bus might die from frear that something horrible might happen to them during those 4 long hours. Like they might combust. They might explode in a obscene pool of fitting, vomiting, faeces."

"Not everyone else on the bus is the same as me." Therefore: "I am a freak and can't do it by myself." But: "Then you have to make your mum drive 4 hours there and 4 hours back." And: "You are 29 years old, for fuck's sake." And: "That makes you pathetic - that makes you a complete freak." And: "You don't deserve any help." And: "You are stupid for feeling this way anyway, so fuck off and get a fucking grip and sort yourself out. " "Fucking, stupid, piece of shit. "

But I will get on the bus on Thursday. I know will. Because secretly part of me knows, that this week I can get on a bus on my own. 'We' just have to go through all this trauma before the inevitable can possibly happen. And that's only because I'm feeling a bit better this week. This week, as in the week that started yesterday. Not because this is something I can do at anytime, whenever I feel like it, because...she does get in my way a lot.


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