Monday, October 09, 2006

Day 50

At Mum's.

Started Lustral today very reluctantly. Still got headache bug thing and feel like I have Bell's Palsy on the left side of my face. The nausea has stopped with tablets so at last can eat small morsels of food.

Had to cancel my CPN appointment this morning which I was fretting about all weekend - Mum is worried that they will pull the plug on the support if I keep cancelling appointments and I thought she (the CPN) would shout at me again. Mum is also worried that I top myself if left alone - or that at the very least I will continue to self harm...can't win really. I was worried that I would top myself Saturday night, so I'm glad I'm not in my house. It's never something I think about with intention - I'm just terrified that I do it unconsciously, like if I stop concentrating on being 'normal' I might 'accidentally' swallow all of my medication or fall onto a large, sharp knife. I am dreading going back to the city now as I now associate bad things with my flat. It's become a dark and twisty place -just like my insides. The CPN was actually nice to me this morning, so either she is over her post traumatic stress after returning to work from 3 weeks vacation - or she's just being nice because she's going to dump me as soon as I'm back, or she might just be being nice because I've obviously gone a bit mental again. (Self harming = mental)

I shall be 'out to lunch' for the next wee while, as I try to gather remnants of grey matter that congregates in little mounds of falling breadcrumbs at my feet.

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