Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Day 44

Ugh. Wobble, shake, shake, wobble. And that's lying down.

Last night turned into something out of a Hammer Horror film and this morning I am riding the waves of the aftermath. I shall elaborate: I was hoovering; head almost upside down, in the boudoir when all of a sudden I thought I was going to faint, die, vomit, pass out, die. I could hardly stand straight, was drenched in a freezing cold sweat seconds after feeling sick, had palpitations and was shaking faster than a Dulux paint mixer in B&Q.

I tried to lie down - no, that wasn't going to work, I tried to close my eyes - no, that really wasn't going to work. I did the 'cold compress' thing. I sipped water. Then I had a giant panic attack because I seriously thought my number was up. I lay in bed gripping onto the hospital bars, like there was really no tomorrow, (so much so my arms ache this morning) until I finally passed out.

Horrible. Really, horrible.

Episodes like this have been happening a lot over the past week - not to the severity of last nights little trip - but still a lot. It worries me slightly because I don't know if it is pure 'anxiety' or the new medication. It also hightens the feelings that I can't cope on my own. It's times like this when I wish I had a carer. May sound rather OTT to the layman, but honestly when shit like this is going down it is terrifying, and you wish there was someone with you to grip onto for the duration of the ride - or at least to be able to ask, "do you see that black creepy thing in the corner/running across the floor/walking past the door, or is it just me?"

That's right, rather horribly, yesterday I also realised that all the paranoia and seeing things out of the corner of my eyes is happening again. When I ventured to the library yesterday afternoon I had to leave quite sharpish because I saw things moving and creeping all over their delightfully twirly, patterned carpet. Well, not quite sharpish, because I was quite intrigued by the crazy little visions I was having and got a bit stuck on staring at them. Then I got a crashing headache and had to hold onto the shelving units to stop wobbling. Last night I also had to move my bed against the opposing bedroom wall because the previous night I kept jumping out of my skin, thinking that someone was trying to get in my room through the glass panelled door. Disturbed peripheral vision and paranoia equated to anti psychotic drugs last time.

And so, I creep around my flat today, hoping there will be no sudden noises or bright lights. I'm sure the neighbours are enjoying the view through the window of my crawling from chair, to sofa, to bed in half of yesterdays clothes, half pyjamas and half bare ass, because I can't quite co-ordinate the getting dressed part of the day, or do sums. I pray that they (the neighbours) will be gentlemanly enough to avert their eyes, should that see anything untoward.

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