Saturday, September 30, 2006

Day 41.1

1) What do you do when you don't trust yourself with the value of your own life?
2) What do you do when you are scared to go to sleep in case you sleepwalk in the night and try and kill yourself?
3) What do you do when you are so tired that you want to go to sleep to block out all the thoughts of death, but are scared that the above will happen?
4) What do you do when you cannot see the value in living, or understand why it is so important to fight to stay alive?
5) What do you do when knives and scissors lying around the house, look as if they are glowing and feel as though they are magnetised, so you cannot help but pick them up?
6) What do you do when you feel like you can no longer control your own mind?

I don't know. All I can do is try to jam my head into a book and hope that I make it through to the morning. I am scared every day of what I might 'accidentally' do to myself at some point. I have no idea how I got to this place, and I have no idea how to get myself out of it.

I watched my friends with their babies today and thought, "How could I ever get to the point where I would be stable enough to have a baby of my own?" I doubt I ever will as I don't think I will ever trust myself enough to look after another life, especially when I feel so careless with my own. I would also hate to think that what I have is hereditary, and that I would be committing someone else to live a life like mine - or indeed to have a mother like me.

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