Friday, September 29, 2006

Day 40.1

A troublesome day today. A gold star should be awarded for effort, but a black sticker for the bleak, black mindedness.

Confusing counselling, a strained meeting with my friend, (my public face was somewhat off kilter today), a facial nerve that wouldn’t stop jumping; bumping into an old friend (a big shock), soggy feet from a soaking in town and getting on the wrong train home - all wrapped up by climbing into bed at 8.30pm whimpering like a fool.

My counsellor and I thrashed out a lot this morning - culminating in us finding a theorem (one of many I dare say) that we thought may well have hit the mark – to some degree at least. I shall try to lay this out as clearly as I can. Look out…

My family has always been about the 3 of us - my mum, my sister and I. We stood by each other through thick and thin, come hell or high water; every idiomatic phrase you can think of. My mum did everything to keep us safe when we were little, mainly from our biological ‘father’ and all his conniving ways.

I, alongside my genius of a sister, have always believed I was the family ‘fuck up’ as previously mentioned, and have always gone about my decision making by first thinking – “what would my mum/sister think of me by doing this…?” I have therefore and by default, been living a life not of my own, (we contrived) but how I think I should be living, through two other people’s, very different, perspectives. Always scared of making my own decisions without going through them first – at least a dozen times each - and only once we are all happy, would/do I go ahead.

This is a learnt behaviour that has been exacerbated over time after hearing that my own decisions have not always been the best ones, over and over again from an early age. Well, it was my decision to sleep with a fella at 16 and get pregnant, it was my idea to live with a man who abused me, it was my idea to…after all.

I am scared of being on my own. Yes, we know that now, but why, if that is the answer, does everything not become miraculously resolved upon its revelation? Well my friend, because there’s more to this little concept of being ‘on my own’. Being ‘on my own’ I have now discovered also means having to make my own decisions based on what I want – not what I think I ‘should’ be doing. Being safe in the knowledge that I can make decisions on my own and that if they (the decisions) are different to how my mother/sister feels about things – that is ok.

My Friday counsellor described it as ‘Rozza’s world’ and ‘everyone else’s world’. I conform to everyone else’s world even if I know/believe my own (Rozza’s) world is the world I actually want to reside in.

I have often wondered what would happen if I ever lost my mother or my sister. I cannot bear to even contemplate such tragedy, as is the norm I believe. But if something did happen – for arguments sake – my life would be over. I rely on them for everything and since thing have gone tits up my end; they are literally all I have left. My rhetorical question of the hour was: “So, if I learn to make my own decisions that will make me independent and therefore happier?”

There is no doubt in my mind that being an independent soul means that when all about you fails, you have your own back up generator to fall back on. That you require no external jump-starting or any other re-chargeable donation because you have all the tools necessary to get yourself going with your own little, portable, survival kit…So my quest for independence begins with “How do you stand on your own two feet without losing the power of three. Without hurting those that are so much a part of you?” I suppose I just have to get past the incomprehensible amount of guilt that accompanies going against the other 2 from time to time to find out.

Pride comes before a fall they say. Hilarious.

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