Monday, September 25, 2006

Day 36

Hmmmm. The mind draws a big flat blank today, so let us see how this 'shooting from the hip' lark goes...

I have been rather disheartened by the old blog over the past few days. Not because I don't think that this isn't an important personal 'theme' to document. Quite the opposite in fact, but more so because I haven't felt as if my head is my own space for the last few days and have found it increasingly difficult to muster up the energy to disect, theorise and find something interesting to mark down about them. But then I suppose that is not really the point of writing this blog. When one begins to think of a blog such as this as a public domain things become a little more interesting for the 'author'. When you start thinking about people reading what you have written and you find yourself wanting to inject something worthy into one's own talentless ramblings things become a little unstuck, you can even start to try to be clever - none of which are the point. Point, point, point. Bleugh. I know that I have previously mentioned that one of my 'aims' (brilliant...'aim') was that a blog such as this may bring or spurn some kind of kinship to a passer by that may be looking for comfort in a similar situation. Oh fuck, blah, blah, blah.

I wish I didn't have that psychotic paranoid streak - it becomes a tad irritating at times. You all hate me don't you?

Today has been a musing between I am mad, yes, absolutely and no, I'm just bored/tired/frustrated. I'm still at mum's and planning to leave Thursday. At this point Tuesday and Wednesday are stretching out in front of me like cavernous blank pages. Far too intimidating to even contemplate and in a rather defeatist (?) manner, too much bloody hard work.

I watched a tape of what's-his-face talking about his bi polar condition - Stephen Fry, that's it, and freaked myself out completely. Not in thinking "Jesus, I think I might have caught that too", but on a much more basic level. When I hear people talking about depression and how it makes them feel, it makes all that I am going through a reality. When that happens I get very scared because it's just so unbearably awful. When I hear people talking about how they cannot get out of bed, can't get washed - or cook or go outside I think, "God how tragic, what a waste of a life, if I was like that I would end it all"...and then, in the same split second I realise, "Oh yeah, that's right, that's how I think". The realisation makes my stomach heave, literally.

So, day 6 of my new medication - apparently this one has something to do with Dopamine. Another one for the, (or whatever it is I keep looking up) when I am back working on my beloved Mac that takes a nanosecond to upload a web page rather than this antiquated piece of shit that takes ten years. (Please don't die on me before I upload this...) Yes, so day 6 - I have palpatations - which are new and the driest mouth this side of a Weegie's hangover. All new side effects. I keep reading that this drug's side effects include weight gain - there's a surprise. If that happens I am going to seriously give up and start om-ing. I can't read either this/last week - it is driving me crazy. I have read the same chapter of my book about three times over and each time I get to the last paragraph I think, "I've read this bit already". Goldfish.

The highlight of the evening was going to feed the resident badgers at my mum's place - although we had to pretend that we weren't going anywhere near the den for the sake of the neighbours wagging tongues. I hardly doubt the giant and bulging measuring jug full of badger food, stuffed under my gigantic jumper was much of a giveaway...Anyway we scatered the food and waited, and waited and then I started thinking, "what if I was to see a spectre in these here woods?" (it was dark and I am scared of the dark) and got so freaked out I had to leave, mother in tow. Having to be quiet for any reason also makes me very giggly.

Another thing that makes me giggle, apart from apple labels, is the fact that I just found a playlist on the old ipod called "I cry", that I have obviously compiled during an emotional moment or two. Some of the tracks include "Chasing Cars" - Snow Patrol, "Trouble" - Ray LaMontagne, and most spectacularly..."Because of You" - Kelly Clarkson. I am so very tragic.

Now that, has cheered me up.


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