Thursday, September 21, 2006

Day 32.1

I am going to try and keep typing until this panic attack goes away. Trying to keep my brain focused on something other than thinking about myself going mad.

Apparently this is happening today because my system has no medication in it and even though I started the new meds last night - they haven’t had enough time to get into my system so I am still flying solo.

It’s hard to explain what this feels like, but for the point of posterity, I’m going to try…

It feels like you have just been told that someone you love has died suddenly without warning. It feels like everything that you have ever known is not true. That you are not who you thought you were and that everything before this point – work, life, loves - has all been a dream. You are too scared to even move, to breathe, to blink.

It takes all your time to walk from your bed to the bathroom and you have to hold onto walls as you go. It feels like the worst hangover you have ever had - when you just want to cry because you are in so much pain. The pain inside is usually something that starts a self-harming episode. You feel like your insides are exploding and that you feel so wrong that you can’t be in your right body so all you can do is scratch, scratch until you can cut yourself loose. Today I don’t even have the energy to self-harm. Even if someone were to try to make me do I, I couldn’t.

And the tiredness…like you have never slept. Eyes like sandpaper, limbs like lead and that horrible sick feeling that accompanies extreme lethargy. It feels like all these things rolled into one and you're supposed to carry on like normal.

And now I need to sleep.

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