Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Day 30.1

Today finally brings a decision on taking medication.

No one could be more surprised than I, when standing in my kitchen this morning staring out the window; I was struck by the most crippling dejavu. This is just how I was before I started taking my meds. Nothing has changed.

I couldn’t believe that all this was still underneath the tablets. I had been blaming them for my mood and self-harming, but actually they were helping. That is so hard to admit/accept to and exactly why it was so important for me to see what was happening underneath the medication. This process has also made it clearer for me to see how long before my ‘crash’ that I was not ok. That makes me unbelievably sad. It also may be the beginning of my understanding that this is an illness just like any other. At least I hope it is - because the thought that this is who I am makes life not seem worth living.

Tomorrow I will dispense my prescription and begin the tricyclic antidepressant, Lofepramine. My own decision at last.

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