Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Day 17

I actually found a support group to go to. Oh dear Lord in heaven. I imagine us all sitting around, just like in an AA meeting, declaring our mental health issues under the guise of anonymity. I might shout out my full name, just to freak them all out. Or I might create a pseudonym for myself. Like...Penelope.

I wonder if there shall be tea and biscuits? Well, I shall find out in a couple of weeks when the next group meets.

Today was another counseling session and I talked my little socks off. Therapy days are the hardest. They leave me knackered beyond belief. After trawling through the muck that got me to this point in life - I shuffled to the library and got out yet more books. I have moved swiftly on from Josephine Cox to Jodie Picoult. I devoured two of her cumbersome novels last week and needed another fix to keep me going this week.

Going from no words to only words is a mighty step forward and one I am quite intrigued by. I can get lost for hours every day - the characters worlds always more intriguing than my own. Just being able to follow a sentence and remember what happened in the previous paragraph is progression. I could barely remember my own name up until a few weeks ago, so knowing my own name and being able to read is a minor miracle.

I finally reduced my Citalopram (the antidepressant) today, entering into the final stages of weaning. I was terrified of this point last week, but this week it all seems a bit more manageable. I think when I actually noticed (yesterday) that I felt no differently on 20mg than I had on 40mg, or indeed 60mg for that matter. All my support team are still um-ing and aw-ing about my decision and I think the general opinion, of the professionals, is that we’ll give it a wee while and then probably have to pop me onto another antidepressant – long term. They also keep reminding me that when I am finally off these babies, I will probably notice actually how much help/relief they were giving me. I say nothing.

I am planning to watch some seriously crap TV tonight – ‘Princess Nikki’ on E4. You know, I think that girl is onto something - quite seriously. Whereas every other human on the planet seems to hold in all their emotions to the point of self-combustion – she just lets it out as and when it builds up inside her. I honestly wish I had the bottle to be that honest about how I am feeling on a daily basis, and had the confidence not to give a shit about what anyone would think about such outbursts. I on the other hand, think my insides have petrified and I think I might be developing a stalagmite up my bum.

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