Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Day 8.1

Tonight has been slightly more productive and I have actually managed to stay awake throughout the entire evening and make myself something to eat. Thoughts however have been wandering to the men in my life. Old and new, I find myself flicking through the list like an invisible rolodex, trying to find one that could possibly fit into my life now.

Why do I feel the need to have someone in my life, a partner, someone that when I find them, my life will begin? It has taken me all my adult life to get to this point. The point where I have finally recognised that I believe I need to part of a couple to begin my life. The thought of having my own life, on my own without a man, terrifies me.

I relive relationships past and remember the desparation of making all of them work – regardless of our incompatability or unsuitability. Throwing myself into each and every relationship thinking “this has got to be the one”. The past two relationships I have been in, I had my doubts about early on - but I chose to ignore those doubts and fling myself into being a couple with an almost maddening voracity. The last relationship I remember being in where I fell head over heels ‘naturally’ was when I was at college, during my second year. There was no doubt in my mind initially. None whatsoever. The doubts only crept in when I could feel things changing from his perspective – I could feel him beginning to leave and I became as clingy as a limpet. Constantly questioning and needing answers, trying to define things, bolt them down so that my faith, hopes and ambitions could be restored. He did leave in the end and I was devastated - I was also right. After the initial shock was over and I returned to my flat after a break at home, I was so desperate not to let him go, not to let him leave me. I would phone him and beg him to change his mind, a hideous memory and behaviour that now makes me squirm when I think of it. He was steadfast in his decision and eventually got people to lie and say he wasn’t home when I called; eventually as time passed I got over him. I think something had changed within me after that relatinship started to end. Although it was a mutual decision that we split up I remember him leaving me, not as a decision that we came to together, which is how it actually happened.

The next relationship I was in was very full on and ended bitterly with me fleeing our shared home in the middle of the night - literally terrified for my life. I never went back. This was the first relationship that I remember beginning with doubts about our compatability. The next and last relationship I was in began in a similar way. I was hesitant; one minute it was all on, the next it was all off and then suddenly we were living together. How did that happen? Reflecting on this now I don’t know if this uncertainty was a self defense mechanism or if we were fundamentally wrong for each other from the start?

Now the men in my life are friends and family only. I have contacted an old friend from college recently that I hadn’t spoken to in years, but my contact with him makes me very paranoid. We have seen each other twice since my coming home in March and both times I felt he was only meeting me out of some kind of obligation. I sent him a text recently to ask if he wants to meet up again and have had no reply in 3 days. This makes my paranoid thinking rise to unacceptable levels. This now happens when I don’t hear back from people immediately. After 24 hours of my initial contact and I haven’t heard anything I have convinced myself that they hate me and that is why they haven’t been in touch. This is true for everyone I know males and females alike, including people I have known for years and family members. I have convinced myself over the past year that everyone I know hates me and that they are only humouring me by spending time with me. Thoughts like this are heightened on bad days. I don’t believe people when they tell me that they love me or enjoy spending time with me. I think they just feel sorry for me and I am one of those ‘friends’ that people have that they spend time with and then bitch about to all and sundry afterwards, saying what an annoying, moaning, complaining person I am.

I am adamant that I don’t want another relationship where I become dependant on that person to give me a life. But I don’t know how to do that. Yet. This painstaking unraveling has made things a bit clearer. Perhaps my original focus on failed relationships isn’t actually the cause of the problems I have now, but my fear of being alone is.

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