Saturday, August 26, 2006

Day 6

It’s funny how you see yourself through someone else’s eyes, without them saying a word. Ultimately un-loveable, unbalanced, covered with self inflicted scars and monthly prescription charges an addict would be proud of. I wouldn’t touch me with a barge pole.

Since all this happened a year ago I have been on my own. Well, near enough a year now – the alone bit happened a year past in October when my partner extracted himself from our home, although our relationship had been over long before that ever happened, apparently. So, this is the first time in my adult life that I have been alone for any great length of time, but not the first time I have been lonely. In relationships, out of relationships, I have always felt lonely. It’s a horrible feeling and one that I now think comes from not having a clue about who I am, and ultimately being scared of life. My life and all its possibilities.

Mentally my head is filled with daily rhythms of manic-ness, that I dip in and out of at the flick of an uncontrollable switch; thoughts come from nowhere and collide with thoughts that are permanently there, yelling in my ears. I constantly see things moving out of the corners of my eyes and even dull noises become a repetitive roar in my head. I am so bloated with the side effects of my medication, I no longer recognize myself in the mirror, and hate what I see. How did I get so far away from the person I once knew?

All I remember is waking up one morning and thinking, “I can’t.” And that was it, my insides were outside and I was terrified. I spend a lot of my time being terrified. Everything is a build up to some kind of semblance of a daily routine. Talking myself through the motions as I go, convincing myself to keep moving forward, almost never daring to stop. I think if I stop it will all fall in on me and there will be nothing left, so I just hold on tight, all day every day. Holding tightly to my life, my head, my mind and my body. These things make me want to vanish, just to disappear like vapour, without being missed. I am so tired of it all at times; it makes me want to go to sleep and never wake up. It makes me want to give up trying so damn hard to get better because I don’t know what I am getting better for. I don’t even know who this is.

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