Thursday, August 31, 2006

Day 11

Black, yellow, green. Yellow, green, black. Black, blue, purple, orange, gelb. Dear lord my life has become a swirly display stand for stickers. I think I might re-name this blog the “Doom Blog”. “The Blog of Dooooom”. “Angst Blog” is another option or “Trauma Blog”. “Self Obsessed Blog”. “Pitty Blog”. “Supid Blog”. “What’s-The-Point? Blog”.

Love it.

Today I bought arm warmers to cover my scars. That was weird. When I first self harmed I didn’t think enough about it to be bothered to cover them up. Apart from when I saw my Gran. I would however spend time thinking what I would say when someone asked me. “I had a fight with my depression” was the closest I came to a witty response - giving just enough information to answer the question and hopefully ending the conversation. Needless to say everyone keeps their gob shut about them and no-one has ever asked me about them - apart from a shop assistant in Neal’s Yard and a bloke that works with a mate of mine. Both times you could have knocked me down with a haphazardly placed band-aid; I had become used to the ‘people not mentioning it’ thing. The former concluded for herself, when I tried to splutter out a response, that they were burns, the latter – I said. “Oh, just burns”. I didn’t realize I would have such trouble telling people what they were. I am trying to battle the social stigma here. Or at least I thought I was. So today, I got the stripy cover-all’s.

I don’t know any adults that self-harm – I thought it was just teenage Goth’s that did it. There’s also bugger all information about it on the world-wide-web or through any of my clinics, surgeries or psychiatric offices. Apparently along with anorexia – it’s just a kid’s thing. Adults are far too old and sensible to do anything so silly or dramatic. The websites and chat rooms that I have found are all a bit self-gratifying for my taste and all a bit “I was like soooo depressed” – “tell me what you do” – “ I collect my own blood afterwards and smell it later”. Seriously.

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